I have no support from my husband

Mental health
1

Hello! I'm new to this so please bear with me. I'm looking for advice and hope people aren't cruel...

I have been with my husband for just over 2 years. We have been married almost 7 months. I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. I have been on depression medicine for a year and anxiety medicine for about 3 months. I get in a deep depression that can last a week or longer. I am in one now, that's why I'm posting here tonight. My husband tends to feed off my mood. I'm depressed, I cry and I get very quiet. When I get like this he gets angry and lashes out at me. Tells me I need help and I'm crazy. Tonight he is sleeping on the couch because "you need your space and so do I"... I told him that I'm not angry at him I'm depressed, I don't need my space I need his support. His response was telling me not to give him that bs line.

I finally broke down and told him a very personal secret this past weekend and I got no support. I get no support when I'm depressed. All he does is beat me down even more emotionally. The secret I told him this weekend is that I've been bulimic for just over a year. When I was 8 months pregnant with our son I found out that he was addicted to porn. He said he would stop several times but never put in the effort. He only told me what he thought I wanted to hear to end the conversation. He gets defensive over porn. He will not stop. After our son was born, I became bulimic. Not right away but about 3 months after. I started this because I felt that there was something wrong with me, something that didn't turn him on. Maybe if I stay a certain weight he will notice me and like what he sees and not need porn anymore. I guess I'm just stupid. I just feel second to porn. I'm sitting here in a depression largely in part to his porn use and because I told him the truth about what it has done to me, he thinks it'll help to be angry with me and keep away from me. He refuses to go to counseling. I love him very much, I just wish he would try to comfort me and not kick me when I'm down. Is this normal? Am I wrong for being upset?

2

Hi Kris,

Sorry to hear things are not so good for you.

Is there no chance of you both going to counselling together?

I understand how hard it must be from both points of view, my last husband retaliated with anger whenever I had a low period, even after I overdosed he threatened to throw me out of our home if I didn't "sort myself out" if only it was that easy 😏

On the other hand, I can empathise for people who live with us that have this god awful illness, it's a bit of a roller coaster and they probably feel out of their depth even trying to understand it, maybe they really do believe we can just turn it off and on at will

I certainly haven't got an answer for you, I sooo wish I did, my decision was to leave my husband after 13 years. But don't give up on yours yet, maybe if he is willing to do counselling as a couple, he would come to understand it more, also, if he has an addiction for porn, has he got any skeletons in the cupboard that could account for having any kind of addiction?

Maybe you both need help and support?

I'm sorry I can't help, but there's always someone on here that you can chat to, I've been on here a lot myself recently

Please let me know how you get on

Big hugs

3

Hi before I had fully read your post I was just going to say that it's often the case that we get no support from loved ones and suggesting you give them information to read so it helps them understand better.

But on reading the rest of your post I am horrified.  My first though is that your depression could be caused by his behaviour instead.  He doesn't think it will help you by being angry with him at all - he is using you as his punchbag and taking his own problems out on you.   He is not thinking of you at all is he?  Only himself. 

From what you say you are the victim of abuse.   Not only physical abuse can be a part of relationships but so can emotional abuse.  This can be even worse because he is making you doubt yourself and feel bad about yourself isn't he?  Do you think he could be suffering from depression?  Men are more likely to externalise it through anger,  whilst   women tend to internalise it like you are doing. 

To be honest I can't see much hope for this relationship.  Unless he changes his attitude towards you I can't see much future.   I think he is the problem not you.  He is dragging you down until you become unsure of yourself and lack confidence.  Have you tried Relate or any other marriage counselling?  Would he go?  

If things don't change eventually he will turn you into a shadow of yourself and it will be harder to leave.  You will of course in the end unless you become one of those beaten down broken women who jump when their husband speaks. 

I am so sorry you are in this situation - but don't forget what I said - this is emotional abuse and you need to tackle it while you still can.  Good luck and let us know how you get on.   Take care  Bev xx

4

Hi kris

I agree with Bev. I know you love your husband, but think you need to stand back and take a good hard look at your relationship without any emotion involved.

A true loving partnership is about supporting each other through the many challenges of life. being their when your partner is hurting, discussing issues of concern without fear of rejection.

Lots of men are into porn, this activity doesn't mean he finds you unattractive. Marriage involves compromises and if he knows this effects and upsets you he should be willing to stop viewing it. I'm appalled that you shared your bulimia with him and got zero comfort or concern from him.

He is demonstrating all the classic control signs. Eg lashing out, calling you crazy, making you feel alone at a time of need eg. Sleeping on the sofa. Making you feel unattractive etc.

kris depression, bulimia and motherhood without support not only is very difficult, it could make you extremely ill. Do you have a good relationship with your parents or siblings to get their views and support? Have you got your eating disorder under control? Without proper nutrition your depression will hang around longer. I would say concentrate on loving and accepting yourself. The more you do this the more empowered you will become. I'm sure you are a fantastic mother and now you must be fantastic about loving yourself. Don't let him or anyone else make you feel bad about yourself. If he sees his words and actions hurt you.....ask yourself .....is this love? Can this man change his ways? Is this the life I signed up for, upon marrying this man? Can this man enrich and add companionship and happiness to my life?

Kris. When we love someone so much it's easy to overlook their transgressions and put up it by convincing ourselves that they will change.. bottom line is that we need to change by not accepting their behaviour.

Wish you strength Kris to put your cards out on the table and tell him straight what you will and won't accept.

God bless x

5

Hi Kris,

Sounds like there are a lot of issues with acceptance from him maybe he doesnt know how to behave and support? its not cool the way he responds if he cant accept you have an illness then he needs to learn if he wants to be your partner! The porn thing is probably not healthy as he will expect a porn star partner not who you are (possibly) it tends to upset relationships due to the expectations men have off their partners in some cases they leave dissatisfired so I think you need to see a counsillor for your relationship.

6

This relationship is toxic. 

7

Thank you for your response. He is taking medication for depression. He has for a long time. My entire family has told me that I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not bubbly like I used to be. My mom says he has stole my spirit. He is very controlling and the main thing is he will NOT let me work. Sounds great to be a stay at home mom but to know I can't even if I wanted to bothers me. When I bring up working he gets mad then tells me I may as well because I'm going to need money to pay my bills when he's gone. So he guilt trips me. He told me he doesn't want me mingling. I've tried to leave because I know nothing will change but I'm scared of the outcome. I have so much debt now because of him and no way to pay it. He slept on the couch last night and said he's going today to remove me from all the bank accounts. This doesn't help my depression at all.

8

Kris i am so sorry to hear that. You need to be strong for you and your little one. Do you have a citizens advice centre near you? If so go and see what support can be offered to you. Eg debt management and any financial assistance for you.

If your husband has removed you from bank accounts does this mean you have to wait and see if he is going to give you money or not?

Kris your situation does not sound good at all. I really hope you can find the strength to make changes xxx

9

Hello Kris,

I am so sorry you are going through this, I know how is it like not to have support of loved ones regarding to anxiety and depression. I also agree with Bev regarding your relationship; more than just not supporting you, this man is psycologically abusing you and getting things worse. I really hope your child is not suffering with all that as well, because when I was young I got traumatized by my father's agressive behaviour and this became later one of the causes of my depression and anxiety today, perfectionism and fear of things to go wrong, lack of confidence, etc.

You could look for financial advice in your commumity, they might have a counsellors for that, and there are several small free online courses of domestic finance you can take that might help you out overcoming your problems with the debts and planning things out. Believe that you can live without him and you will be ok like that, may be hard in the beggining but it is better than suffering with all his anger and abuse at home. Do what is best for you and your child.

You could also look for support groups for women regarding to domestic violence and abuse, they usually have free counsellors and are able to guide women that are going through this problem you have, or at least refer you to more specialized help.

I hope my message could confort you in some way and that you can overcome this problem with strengh and determination.

Stay strong! You are not alone smile

10

Aaaargh get rid of him - get out.  Lots of red flags there.  How dare he give you orders,  who does he think he is?   You are an adult and entitled to do what you want the same as he is.  What a creep!  Don't waste any more of your life on someone like this please.    Your mum is right - he has stolen your spirit so you need to act while you still have some left.   Move in with your mum or other family but LEAVE please.   Bev x

11

Fantastic reply Lorraine and I agree 100% x

 

12

The other thing I wanted to say is have you thought about what your son is learning from this?  Do you want him growing up with an unhappy mum and an emotionally abusive father?   Do you want him to follow the same pattern when he is an adult?  No - course you don't.  It is much better to be alone than with a partner like this and your son will be happier.  x

 

13

Have things gotten any better with you and your husband ?

I use too have the same issue , I lacked major attention from my relationship ,, and when that happened I turned to other things .. Which caused even more issues.

Does he watch porn because you don't have sex with him ? Not trying to get all involved in your life or anything...

But if he is literally addicted to porn then he needs some help with that ....

And the fact of him constantly watch porn can make you feel even more insecure ...

Does he call you beautiful or anything like that ? You guys don't talk at all ?

14

Hi I think the poster has far more serious issues than not getting enough attention from her husband!   She is being emotionally abused by a controlling and selfish man.   This is very different from what you describe.

The issue of porn has nothing to do with whether or not they sleep together.   If he is the type who wants porn then he could be getting all the sex in the world and still would watch porn,   x. 

15

More then anything I wasn't talking to you tho , I was more so talking to the person that made this post , thank you tho.

16

Your husband is,selfish,inconsiderate and ignorant.Selfish-He only thinks of himself.Inconsiderate.He "dismisses your depression etc as "slight,unimportent' exagurated ,trivial.Ignorent.He doen't understand your condition.,neither does he want too.But if he had an issue,suffered from depression he would expect attention & sympathy and Support regardless.As for Porn.You cannot control his access to porn.

But your husband must have known prior to marriage your sensative condition,yet stayed,nurtured the relationship etc.and you bore a child later.This worsened the isolation felt between both of you.instigated by his selfishness.His reaction...don't bother me...pull yourself together...=Non supportive role.

Will he change?. Unless he realises your depression is real and not "insignificent" etc...and then genuinely tries to support you as any husband should.

Even if you changed into a "goddess" he would still access porn.,just because.

The isolation you now feel,caused by his behavior will lower your self esteem further.Your depression will just persist & worsen.The end result may be..that he walks away.Blaming you for the relationship breakdown etc.

Unles he changes his attitude towards you etc.and accepts that you have a treatable medical condition.If he suppoerted..it would help your condition.Heighten your self esteem etc..You would feel more in control etc.and feel & be supported.An ideal relationship.

No medication can/will resolve your relationship issue(s).Only the 2 people concerned can.

Marital counselling may..help.But unless he is willing to go and discuss with "Honesty: and be 'Willing & prepared' to resolve the relationship issues,then sadly the outcome is not good.If you had been able to read the future.Would you have still stayed in the relationship?.Maybe because of your condition you just accepted the relationship as is.He in turn just ignored it yet "expected & expects" a perfect marriage/relationship in return. His selfishness,ignorance& "contempt shown".. has instigated the relationship you now have.You are not at fault.He IS.

17

I know you weren't Koolredd.  You are entitled to your opinion - I am not questioning that,  but I felt you took it all much too lightly and I think the poster needs to take it a lot more seriously than that.   Take care x

18

Hear hear Simon.  Very well said and I agree with every word.  x

19

Grab your son..present yourselves in front of your husband and ask this:

Do you think our marriage is going well?Are we happy?

His response to end the topic asap; Its fine.,it suits "ME"!Why? do you ask.

Your answer:

It suits( you) but what about ME!

You control every aspect of my life & my child's .NO MORE!I am entitled "WE" are entitled..to have a life.Just like everyone else.We are not your prisoners anymore.

I will socialise with who ever i please.I will find employment because i choose too. .I will not require/ask your "permission" to be "ME" anymore.For my sake and my childs sake...I will not be your prisoner,at your every beck & call. Belittling me will not make me cower as before.A Threat of physical violence will not silence me.

His response:

I'll change my ways.I promise etc.

Your response:

You refused counselling...You refused to help "us"I am your partner,your wife and you refused to help ME.To resolve the issues because you only think of yourself! You lie to us and most of all to yourself!.You allways WILL!.

:

For how long? before you return to your controlling & vindictive ways. Because you won't.

You have proven to be selfish regardless.Refused counselling to help "Us"Why?

Because if it all was now laid bare to the counsellor(s)... his insecurities ,possessivness would now be laid bare to all.and he daren't admit that.To be seen in his true light.

Because he won't,he can't..

His overpowering POSSESSIVENESS over you and any other female companion/wife etc etc..will not allow it.

He needs to "control".He does not like it if another controls him.,but because of circumstances he must yield to it at times.(Work enviorement)But to others,socialising etc etc.. he portrays a "nice guy".

He daren't allow his true possessive streak to emerge then.it would be too apparent to all if he does.So it emerges when he knows its safe to do so=IN the marital home..Again he now feels in control.and you get the fallout of ALL his insecurity.& blame for it in full.100%. 

His possessiveness is shown to females only.It is "they" he must control,not males. Because he is physically & mentaly able too,..,with women,... but not men.

His possessiveness in regards to women,boosts his masculinity.Blankets his major insecurities & fears,Boosts his "Superiority complex" And that is his weakness.

You may feel emotionally attached to him,but maybe... you are really emotionally attached to the problem.,not the person.

Afraid to confront the truth of it all.Difficult as it may seem to be...realise that his possessiveness will in time,intensify,progress to the growing child.Why should they not be included.Why? should everything become suddenly "Normal" when the child reaches adulthood.?

Let him go.Ultimatum is simple.Abide by it and regain your life.

He has depression too.Ultra Possessive & depressive & insecure.& will blame anyone for his insecurities,not himself..He won't help himself.If he had/did,the marital issue would not arise.You cannot help him.

But you can help yourself & child.& improve your enviorement & situation.

Why prolong the agony.Saying goodbe is hard.But one must be cruel to yourself sometimes..to be kind!

 

20

Simon I do agree with your comments but not about letting the son into it.  It would traumatise him and that wouldn't be good for him.  x