I think I am depressed. Most of the time every day I just sit inside my house or uni room watching tv and eating a lot of bad food. I'm just going to list some of my struggles:
First, I have a lot of uni work I need to do but I'm not doing it. I actually don't feel that worried but that's just because of the way I'm feeling - not caring about anything and seeing no point in trying to pass my exams (I'll go into a bit more detail later).
I know I should get to the doctor, I just don't want to at all. I don't want my dad to drive me there and I just can't be bothered doing anything, even though the doctor will probably help. I'm getting counselling at university but I'm home for 3 weeks for Easter now so I have to wait until I'm back to get more, but I only have 5 sessions a year for 45 minutes which is really not a lot, and I've only got 2 left. I have so many problems that I know for a fact I wont be able to explain them all and get the help I need within two sessions. I've explained a few things to my counsellor so I won't write it in here and I will probably say all of this to the doctor too.
I think very negatively. I really struggle to see the positive side in anything, or I just don't want to. everything stresses me out and I'm always told I can't blame people for my problems and that I have to change the way I think about things, but I don't want to! I'd rather people just stop doing the things that annoy me. but you cant going around telling people to stop doing every single thing that gets on my nerves, so I just kind of go insane because its hard for me to stop thinking negatively and trying to not let things affect me.
I feel like I should get CBT because I have a very deep way of thinking about the world and myself and life, but I don't want to pay for the therapy, or be put on a waiting list for it because i don't want to wait for help, because that means I may feel like this for a long time until I receive any help.
I've thought about suicide a lot, most days I sit in the car thinking about it and crying, or when something happens, i just sit there and think "I just really want to die right now", and I sit there just wanting to just stop anything and not exist.
As mentioned, I have a lot of negative thoughts, and thoughts about the world really make me not want to live in it. For example, I'm quite paranoid. I'm always looking around when walking anywhere to make sure no one is following me or going to do anything to me. I don't want to live my life scared about things, but there are still so many things that can happen. I don't want to be killed, but what if I am?. I don't want to go through the pain of being killed, I don't want to live in a world with murderers in it, I don't want to know that there is a possibility that I could be killed or who knows what, but there is always going to be that possibility and that scares me, hence I don't really want to live. I get upset that somewhere in the world there are animals being abused and tortured and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it in this very moment, but I don't want to see these things or know that its happening. it stresses me out too much to think of poor animals or people being killed or who knows what - I don't want to live in a world like that, so what do i do? because right now I am living in it, and these thoughts take away my enjoyment from life, because these things are always going to happen, and i don't like it, if that makes any sense. So referring to before about suicide,1. I think about doing it, 2. However I don't think I ever will, 3. I don'treally want to die, but 4. I don't want to live in this world = 5 what am I supposed to do? I know there's a lot of things I want in life, but I just don't want to work for them. I don't want to struggle through life, I don't want to be miserable and unhappy for years until I can achieve what I want. every day i think about giving up university and moving abroad. although its not that easy. I live in England, and I know this crappy weather definitely affects my mood. I'm sick of living in such a cold and wet place, but I feel like I will have to until I finish uni, get a job and earn enough money to go abroad. But I don't want to wait for years!!
Some people wil wait, but i don't want to. Like, people say, "10 years ago that person didn't feel like that", but why would i want to wait 10 years to feel better? I don't want to! and I don't want to just accept that. but I guess if I didn't accept it I'd be doing nothing in life and then there would really be no point in life.
If that is just how life is then I'd rather not live. I don't want to kill myself because of crappy weather and hard struggles, but id rather just
not exist,because I never asked to struggle and force myself to work hard just to achieve good things in the future, because I don't think its worth all of the struggles, when life passes by too fast anyway. I know that i should study to pass my exams, because I will probably get better soon and will wished i passed them to help with whatever happens in the future, but I also think, well what if i do kill myself? Or what if i drop out of uni? theres no point me studying because of those reasons, even though both will probably not happen. so if you can see I do understand what will happen, but I just don't want to take action and think about the future, because I still can't think positively about it.
I struggle to get along with my dad. I won't go into detail about things but he brought me and my brother up from a very young age alone, and I'm always thankful for that. But recently I've started thinking that I didn't ask to be born. so when I'm reading posts about depression and trying to be happy, there's always answers saying to be grateful about what you have in life and that it could be worse.
I don't like hearing that, because I don't have to be grateful for anything. don't get me wrong, I am, because my dad, who also didn't ask to be born, has done a lot for me, and he didn't know I would be like this, but still, I don't have to be grateful. I know it may sound harsh, but its not my fault that there are people worse off than me, but I can still think my own life isn't good. making me compare my life to peoples who are worse off wont make me think any differently, (although that is another thought of mine that makes me upset - I don't like the fact that there are poor children worse off than me, but yet I have to live with it. I know I can help but you know what I mean, it takes time and you cant help every single person). anyway, continuing, it doesn't make me think differently, because I still have my own struggles in life, and why do I, really, have to be thankful when it was my parents choice to have me, and bring me up and do what they wanted with me. But continuing with the struggles with my dad, he has recently been more understanding about my feelings. he says he is worried and scared that I'm feeling this way. Scared how though? I don't know, I don't want to ask, but I'm guessing he may be scared that I might harm myself. However, when he tries to talk to me, i just don't want to talk a lot of the time. But I would think, if he thought I was putting my self in danger or that I might kill myself, (for example, say I told him that), surely any parent would stay off work, sit with you, try and get you to talk, take you to the doctor etc. but he doesn't do that. so i go from thinking he's worried about me, to feeling he's obviously not that worried because he's at work 8 hours a day, knowing i'm sat inside doing nothing, and he doesn't even ring or text me on his lunch break. he doesn't come home to see how I'm doing, I know he's busy but I just kind of think he would do something. and I know he was annoyed at me for not speaking to him when he was trying to ask me what my problems were, but why can't he think that I just don't want to, and speak to me in a kinder tone instead? or sit with me for longer than 10 minutes to try to help me.
I don't want seem like a rude person, or seem like I'm blaming my dad, but its easy for me to do that. I just don't think that he talks to me enough or in the best way, and it does affect me. when he's in a mood with me he doesn't come into my room or speak to me, but if he was worried about me being suicidal, I start thinking that when he eventually comes into my room the next day thinking that he should come and check on me, when he sees me there lying dead he'll feel bad because he didn't check on me sooner. I'm sorry for saying that but this is the way i feel. It's just so hard for me. I want people to feel bad, I want people to feel sorry for me and feel like they could have tried harder ,but Iknow that's cruel, and I'd like to say my dad is just worried and doesn't know what to do, but he sits and watches tv and is on his phone when I'm talking to him, so to me that shows me that he doesn't care that much.
I know I should get help, because I'll admit that I realise that i wouldn't sit on my phone for hours a day searching for what to do if you don't see the point in life and writing this if I didn't want to live. But feeling this way makes it so hard to get yourself ready and out the door to try and make the first step to making life better. I just need help with these thoughts and what to say to my dad and what to do. i know the basics, I know I should eat well and force myself to do the things I don't want to, but its not that easy. its really hard. On some days, I will try and make an effort to look ok and I will act very happy, some people wont think that I'm like this, but I haven't seen some of my family in over 6 months, (that's partly to uni as well, but even when I come home I don't want to see them), because I have put on weight and the junk food is affecting my skin and I'm embarrassed to see anyone. sometimes I want to tell them why, but I don't want to talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. Its too embarrassing and I don't know where to start. I hope who ever reads this can offer whatever tips you think may help me, and I hope you don't think I'm a horrible person after some of the things I said. writing it down comes across a lot differently than speaking it. and I would go into more detail with a counsellor or therapist. do you think i should try therapy? I just don't know what to do. Thank you. (also a lot of it doesn't make sense, sorry about that)