Im a disaster

Mental health
1

Hi, I am 27-years-old and I've been living in Germany for two years now, my homeland is Venezuela and I left because of social and economic problems from there. Since then I have been a waiting tables, I really dont have a dream job but my current job is draining my soul, it is a very busy restaurant with mean co-workers (not everyone though) and bosses. When I wake up and have to work that day I just want to call sick and not face my work, also the pay is pretty bad if you have bad tables or no reservations in your station. The bosses pretty much hate me, I give my best and they keep making me feel like s**t, like for example, we have our weekly plan, with the days and the shifts you have to work, and it goes like the highest waiter is written on top, then below him the second highest and so on and on. I am literally at the bottom and people who entered less than a month ago get written above me! I feel it like a slap to the face.

In Venezuela I finished a bachelor in business modern languages, it was really a bad career and a waste of time, 5 years of my life, but I did not know what else to study! I dont wanna be a waiter all my life though, I'd rather die. So other than carrying three plates on one hand I cant do anything special. I do have a slight facilty in learning languages but that is not big deal here in Europe since many people speak three languages or more and that is not even their profession! just a side knowledge. 

The only thing of my life that makes me happy is my boyfriend, but at his side I am mister noone! He is a succesful freelancer and loves what he does and everyday. He always tells me to do what I like and persevere but the only thing I like besides sleeping and eating is playing videogames and I am not even good at them. I feel like I am entering a deadline in my life in which I have to move now or stay a loser forever! Life would be so simpler if you could just chill the whole day and not worry about money. I dont know what to do, but I cant stand my job anymore and the only thing I can is waiting tables and I am terrible at it. I also have a pressure on me, sending money to my parents, they are still in Venezuela and everyday it gets harder and harder for them to keep up with the bills and expenses, I would like to help them out but I cant really make that much money! 

I pretty much have a destructive behaviour that keeps repeating, It is already 6am and I havent slept because of anxiety, I havent really done anything productive today other than watching anime and losing at videogames, I know I am probably the only guilty one of my situation and I hate myself for it but I cant really do anything in my life, at least in the career/professional area. I wish I was never born so I didnt dissapoint so many people in my life. My boyfriend came to Germany just for me, but I feel I have given him a worse life since his earnings in Germany are lower because it is more expensive than the place he was before, plus I got him living in a boring town in where you have to take a bus to really go to the city which is not that big either, so he is pretty much bored the whole day at home, and it is my fault and I cant do it better! We have been trying to move to the city but the landlords never pick me! they probably see the failure when they look into my eyes. 

Sorry for the wall of text, but I had to downpour my thoughts and be heard by the world somehow, even if I still feel s****y. Thanks.

2

How are you doing? Just come down. Your situation is not as bad as that. You feel depressed because you're not in your homecountry and you're homesick. I know what it's like. Move forward. Take long walks to calm down your mind before going to bed. Take vitamin D3. Find a favourite hobby so that you can keep yourself distracted when all negative thoughts come pouring in. Take a break from using social media too much. Look for a free consultation of a professional psychologist.

 

3

Hey, thanks for your reply! Im not feeling well at all, havent slept yet... I am not feeling homesick at all, cant really miss a country that never gave you any oportunity and where you got assaulted more than three times with a handgun. I just feel lost, life feels like not worthy and I am tired...

4

Hello Miguel. I think that, though I am no doctor, that you seem to be in a deep deep depression and suffer from anxiety and that makes everything worse. Would you consider going to a doctor and telling them what you have shared with us? There are good antidepressants and therapy for you. Please let me know what your thoughts are on these topics. You are not a bad person you are sick and need help. Diane

5

why don't you try translation or interpretation work. You may as well use your languages skills for something like that. you just need to do something like work in Strasbourg or even Brussels or a large city that needs those skills.

6

that's what I was going to suggest! Miguel, you have a valuable degree, even if you don't realise it! Maybe you could look for jobs outside of Germany? Don't give up, you just need to start making plans on what type of jobs your degree could get you. Go online and start searching!

7

Hi Miguel - sorry to read about your situation. I worked hospitality too and it is not the easy job others think it might be. It is also extremely difficult to be effective in the job if you are depressed. You are on stage in that industry and everyone is looking. Dealing with a fussy public day in and day out can be a recipe for depression in itself. 

Have you seen your doctor about how you are feeling? That would be a first step. You have to tackle the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that you are feeling. Medications may be prescribed and are best used in conjunction with therapy. Make an appointment today.

Have you discussed what you are feeling with your man? Have you considered changing jobs? Would another relocation be advisable? Whatever happens, things don't change until we act to do things differently.