Okay, so I know that both of my parents had been on medication for depression at some point in their adult lives. Also, that there have been a few times in my life where for a few months I wasn't feeling my normal, happy self.
I remember one particularly bad time when I was around 13 I just stopped eating. For no reason at all. I just felt sick all of the time and was lucky if I was able to eat a sandwich in a whole day. A few days turned into a week and then more weeks. My mum took me to the doctors, who put it down to stress. After a while, I was accused of attention seeking. Even though I knew it wasn't that at all. During this time, I went on a school trip for a week in which I was fine. My eating habits were back to normal. Until I returned home. I then spent many more weeks convinced that I felt too full and bloated to eat anything. Then on a family holiday, after so many weeks of being shouted at for feeling full after a couple of bites, I finally forced myself to eat everything I was given. It worked. I still however felt really down, never leaving the house. My dad eventually suggested that I pay my cousins a visit and so I did. Every day for the rest of the summer. And I was back to normal.
It's 10 years later and I still cannot explain how my love for food suddenly disappeared.
A few summers ago I was feeling pretty lonely and low after my best friend suddenly kept bailing on me, until I got the hint. I started to feel like I was losing friends for seemingly no reason, and put my mood at an all time low. The first time I'd really disliked my own company since finally gaining a social life at the late age of 17.
Now to more recently. My dad sadly and suddenly, passed away towards the end of last year. Being so far away from home, I was unable to say goodbye. The guilt has never left me and is likely to play a part in how I'm feeling now. I missed a few weeks of university and since then have been struggling to not only attend lectures, but to find the motivation to do assignments instead of doing them at the last minute. I've been finding it really difficult to concentrate and remember things. So much so that I really feel like I would forget my head if it wasn't attached.
My studies have definitely taken a hit and I'm worried that I'm going to fail. And if by some miracle I don't, I just cannot see me getting to where I want to be. I have little motivation to do anything productive anymore. Despite needing the money, I just can't face going to work in a place I hate. My relationship is suffering in that to my boyfriend, it seems like I just don't love him anymore. My affection is almost non existent. I'm more than happy to just cuddle and sleep.
I've sometimes been struggling to go to sleep at night to the point where im still awake at 4 in the morning. And if I do sleep, I often wake up and then can't get back to sleep. I've lost contact with nearly all of my friends too.
I feel like I'm constantly putting on a front so people don't see how unhappy I really am. I just feel so unappreciated. I feel like my friends and family are leaving me out, and it upsets me even more. I often cry to myself for practically no reason. I'm tired all of the time and just lacking in energy. I hate feeling like this. I really miss how happy I used to be. And to be honest, I'm not even sure I know who I am anymore.
I haven't really had time for any suicidal thoughts. Mainly because I just couldnt do that to my mum. Not after everything that's happened.
I really feel like I need help, but I'm scared in case I'm told that there's nothing wrong with me, and that it's all in my head or something. But I know I can't carry on like this either. There's just got to be some good lick around the corner. Surely?