I've been depressed ever since I started going to university, and not for leaving home but for losing my best friend. That's what started everything. I had to let my boyfriend go a couple of years ago because I felt so bad that he had to deal with my depression every day ...he hated me for it which broke my heart. Now I've finished uni and moved home again, I've had to confide in my parents. They show little sympathy, and simply don't understand why I sleep all the time and don't want to do anything at all. I have a part-time job but I'm struggling very hard to act normal there. Human interaction tires me out so I tend to go to the shops at night to get out the house.
I have very few people in my life nowadays and the friends I had no longer ask how I am. I'm supposed to be taking a year out before going back to uni, but have wasted it being depressed and stressing out about having to go back to study.
All I want to do is die, as I feel as though there's nothing for me to live for. I just want to be left alone, but at the same time want someone to care enough to save me.
I want to go abroad and travel alone. Figure out my life. But that would mean sacrificing a highly sought after place in a London university.
Can someone please help me find a reason to live.
P.S. I've tried ADs and CBT but I seen to have relapsed after being better for a while. Now I feel like I've tried everything
I felt like this too when I went to university and lost my partner from cancer. I am introverted and so I prefer being by myself. I wanted to die but if I had given up, I would never have found new adventures, explored new unknowns, met future friends or been here for my family at times they would have needed me had I died. Do not give up, weakness of the mind is a curse, it tries to deceive you into thinking that there is no hope, and will be no joy but life and situations are always changing and instead of dying you might acheive great things and meet future friends who may be your true friend. We might believe that no one cares but there are many people out there who are lonely too or suffering. Seek them and be a true friend to them. Walk through places that bring serenity to your soul, listen to uplifting music, watch comedies and most of all work hard and pass your course. Speak to the uni and ask if you can see a counsellor if you want to. Read a lot, value nature and join things if you can like kung fu, tennis, so on. Be a part of this world, and be someone, not something. Read Joan Collins, she inspires people.
in norse mythology, loki is the trickster God. That is exactly what depression is, it's a trick the chemicals in our bodies and brains play on us. But there are ways out of the trick. I am 57 years old now, I've had depression on and off for most of my life, BUT not everyone is like this, only some people. You are probably someone who will have one episode, learn how to come out the other side to a better happier life. You must be highly intelligent to get into a top uni. So apply that intelligence to yourself. Thousand mile long journey, start with one small step (Lao~Tzu)!. You don't say how long you tried the medication for. There are lots of different anti depressants, one time I had to try 3 different ones before I found one that worked, and I was on it for 4 years. CBT take time and effort to incorporate into your life, the sort of time and effort you must have put into your A levels. OK so maybe you are severely depressed and can't get out of bed or wash. In a way we have to be a little bit tough on ourselves, if we are to get better. Then reward ourselves (not with illegal drugs or alcohol) for eash small step. You can get there, you can do it. Isolating ourselves from friends and family is a symptom of depression and I think if you go off travelling now, feeling the way you do would be a mistake. Try and get your degree, once you've got it no-one can ever take it away from you. God knows how I managed to get mine, but I did. What has always stopped me from killing myself has been the knowledge of the DEVASTATING effect it would have on my family. Mine never seemed to understand when I was younger, in my twenties, but I did Psychology at uni and, although it took time, I mean years, not weeks or months, they understand depression now. Loving. yourself is really important, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are lovable just because you are you. Good luck
Tell your family it's an illness, like very bad flu, diabetes, asthma, print off info from the internet and ask them to read it so they know sleeping a lot is a symptom. Also if you are a young man, young men DO need a lot more sleep u ntil they are well into their twenties. Try and realise you family probs have got their own problems, it's not that they don't care it's probably that they don't know WHAT they can do to help.
yourself is really important, look in the mirror and tell yourself you are lovable just because you are you. Good luck