SO sick of it! I'm tired of it :(

Mental health
1

Hello all,

I haven't written for about a month as I felt better. On Monday I started feeling on edge and full blown panic attack on the plane on Wednesday!! I hate flying as I can't get out of it but my partner treated to this holiday which is lovely of him. I've tried not to think about it but once at the airport i thought i would faint. Just before taking of I said to him I need to get out.. Before you knew we were in the air. It was horrible and only 30min before landing I started to feel better. Once we got there it took me a while to get used to everything as it always does...but today was horrible. It came back with a vengeance and I feel terrible as my bf really needs this holiday and all I can think about is going home. I felt tired today and got back in the room around 4pm and every time I could feel myself drifting off I panicked like I never did before, kind of like no you can't fall asleep it's not night time... Shaking, heart racing, feeling sick like can't eat and just want to vomit and totally terrified!! sad(( I had enough I'm on holiday I'm supposed to be well and not ruin everything! I wanna be back in my home bed, feeling safe, with doctors and hospitals that I know. What am I gonna do if I get crazy here?! They all speak Spanish and they probably wouldn't know what panic attacks/anxiety are... Why am I being scared of being scared I know what they are and have suffered with it for 18 years! I started CBT a few weeks ago, I read books about it and I'm on 20mg citalopram. Every time I get it it always feels worse than ever before!! Please can someone help me to get through the next few days. We are flying back next Wednesday and have cbt on Thursday. Everything irritates me, noise, banging doors... It's all too much.... I'm on holiday what's wrong with me!! Why do I get this here!! It's ruining my life! And now I have to go for dinner which is a struggle as I have to pretend I'm ok when I feel all gellyish and just can't stand to think about food right now. Does anyone ever feel so bad?? What can I do to make it better? I try to do my breathing exercise whenever I can.... Thank you for reading. X

2

I think the reason it feels worse when it strikes is that you have been feeling ok and you are feeling sad that the feelings have returned. 

What were you looking forward to doing on the holiday? Try to focus on the things that you enjoy and have been wanting to do. 

I know it is so hard to carry on like everything is ok when you don't feel like it. 

You are not going to go crazy. 

Has any of the cbt techniques worked for you? 

Can you do some meditation? I find that works for me. 

I recently went away and felt on edge. I found I felt the best when I was keeping active. 

Thinking of you and here if you need to chat xxxx 

3

I have the same it is so horrible ... I have had a period in my life when I did get over them ... But they are back ! The best thing a can advice is cbt it really helps you change your thoughts. You also need to get a hobbie get your mind focused on something you enjoy and stick to it every week. It will make you feel better. You have to understand it is only a panic attack they are only feelings and it can't hurt you .... Try letting go and concentrate on your breathing trying taking long deep breaths ... Getting out in the fresh air helps to you have to face your fears to over come them . It can be done .x x

4

Are hormones playing a role in all this? I know for me they did. Can you ask someone about a clinic? Every country has people with panic attacks, I'd go to the clinic and get a benzo for the flight home...also will settle the nerves and for me stomache.

i wish you luck, don't be shy to ask for help. I'm sure your BF will go with!

5

All I can say is why us? Out of all my sister I am  the one that is always sick and not normal lol...I mean mental illnesses suck. I haven't been normal since 2007. I hate being on medication. I hate taking ativan and ambien for sleeping, but sometimes that is the only way we can feel better. I was ok with just taking 20mg of citalopram but genius me though it was ok to stop taking medication. Well a little over a month after I stope my panic attacks and anxiety were really strong I though I was going to die. I had to call the ambulance because it was horrible. I will never ever make that mistake ever again. If medicine is available to help then I will take it. No more suffering. The first time it took me like 3 months to finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it looks like this time it will take that long too..hang in the people!!

6

Hi Babette?

Where where exactly are you on holiday? Spain?

Anyways, hang in there, you are not going crazy!

It's very real what us, anxious people feel.

Last year I went to Italy for 3 weeks, with my 2 kids, 13 and 12 year olds.

I wasn't in meds anymore, I had quit them because I thought I didnt need them for anxiety anymore. However, I did have Ativan with me.

First 3 nights were horrible, panic attacks, the feeling of loosing control and going crazy in Italy, far away from my country (Canada) and with 2 kids. 

3rd night, I drank 4 beers, to forget about my panic. I kept thinking, how will my husband get to me in Italy in time to save me? I thought I was doomed to die in Italy. I even asked around for the equivalent of our 911(emergency) and told they kids to call that number if anything happened to me. I scared the kids with that.

Anyways, I ended up taking 2 Ativan and went to bed. I woke up with a cloudy head, but determined I was not going to ruin my vacation. I had planned to visit all Rome, Florence and Venice.

So I grabbed my kids, grinded my teeth, and went ahead with the schedule. I had 2 kids to take care of.

By the time I got to Florence, I was ok. (That's after 5 days). 

All I can advise you, if you like to visit, get out and enjoy it. 

It's unpleasant, I know how you feel. But you won't die. Anxiety won't kill us...

Enjoy what's left of your vacation, if you have any benzos with you take them. 

Don't concentrate on how you feel. Move around regardless, go to a flamenco show, live the music. You are alive!

I wish you all the best!

7

Thank you all for your replies! I actually managed to eat and made me somehow feel a bit better to see other people at the restaurant. I just really really hope that I will feel ok tomorrow when I wake up! I usually take my puppy for a walk back home but obviously until next week i won't be able to. I always feel so lonely when I get these anxiety attacks. It's very hard for my partner to understand ... So I don't really have anyone to talk to. I can understand the physical symptoms and usually I'm not too bad dealing with those but when you get the irrational thoughts and feel frightened of whatever...then, I really struggle. Make physical symptoms worse and just want to vomit and kind of scream as I want it to stop there and then and feel good! Getting more and more impatient with it as well. Every time it goes away I'm like that's it, it's gone, never will I let it come back and all of a sudden out of the blue its bloody back!! It's so unfair sad 

Thank you for your replies, it really means a lot and I'm looking forward to reading some more. I think it is such a great thing that we can share our experiences smile x

8

Wow I remember feeling like this roughly ten years ago when I went to Corfu with my partner excactly the same, I remember being in my villa and thinking how the hell am I going to get help if I have a panic attack and sure enough I had a panic attack really bad one and my lady didn't no what to do it was a nightmare!!!! I just managed to get through it by going out on the balkany kneeling down taking deep breaths and I told her to go away and let me deal with it! IDE only been with her a couple of month she must of thought I was a nutter!!!! Lol 

Just try and distract yourself all the time talk about any old rubbish it works for me! I meen when you feel that panic attack feeling coming get up walk around do anything to distract I've been there I know it works! I feel so sorry for you as I know how your feeling! I was always the same on holiday and ruined most of them because of this crazy anxiety!!! And I always wanted to be home!!!!!!

Strangly I'm on 20mg citalopram too I alway wonder if they haven't caused the attacks as I went on them for depression and I never had an attack until I used the meds, you take care destract that over active mind and before you know it your be home regards simon 😆

Ps... I've been going through this for nearly 20 years too 😩

9

Babette, they do know what anxiety attacks are.

If you were going to go crazy, wouldnt it have happened by now?

This is a common symtpom of anxiety.

I really do feel for you but I am so in awe of you getting on that plane in the first place, you have done briliantly well!! 

For the next few days Id carry on with the breathing excercises. If ou can access the internet on your phone, try and get on youtube and listen to some guided relaxation. 

The worst thing that can happen to you has happened and you are safe and sane. Could you think of it that way?

Even though it is making you feel horrible, you are on holiday and the very fact of that tells me you are strong and capable. Have faith in yourself.

If you are feeling really rough go to their version of a & e and ask for some valium/diazepam. I am sure they will give it to you xxx 

10

Thank you Simon and Sarah it really means a lot to read this smile I slept ok last night but when I woke up this morning I felt dreadful! I felt so so panicky and frightened. Couldn't say a word to my partner, told him to go and have breakfast without me and I joined him 2 hrs later at the pool. I felt weird this afternoon but not as bad as this morning!! I started checking out the doctors and hospitals around just in case!! This is insane! Even earlier flights back home! Why do I have to feel like this and ruin it all. I can't I have to be strong, my partner deserves this holiday he's worked so hard the whole year for that! But ur right even if you feel dreadful you have to push yourself to keep busy/find a distraction. I don't know why the last 2 mornings I felt so awful... In the afternoon it's all right 2 hrs here then an hour in the spa, then shower, food and tv in the bedroom and sleep.. It's like that routine suits me. In the morning from 9am to like 3pm it's really long so I guess it stresses me out to have time to think! I'm sorry to go on about it. I wish one of you was next to me to constantly reassure me... I know that checking doctors flights...is wrong as they are security behaviours but sometimes I just can't help it. Total madness how powerful our brains are. Anxiety go away for ever please! X

11

Hi I've just come off my hols and felt just the same as you when I was their up and down all the time I managed to find a good book and got lost in that and also went for a lot of walks! You can do it keep saying that to yourself and you will take care x

12

Well your brain is your brain and under your control.

The thoughts you have (im not sure precisely what you think) are just mental events that happen in your brain and you are homing in on them. That doesnt make you insane, its what anxious people do but you do not have to do this.

When you think something tell yourself, it is just a worry. Do not try and push it away, or indulge it in and become frightened. Just allow it to be.

Some excercises to help while you are there:

ATT if you can google it then do this. It is not meant as a relief for anxiety, it is meant to show you that many things can go on in your brain at once, but you can allow them and not have to be bothered by them.

Pick a few sounds in your room/apartment. Air con, the tv, try to get sounds of people outside, a clock. Direct your mind to each of these sounds individually. Concentrate on them one by one and nothing else. Do this for about 5-10 minutes. Then spend the next ten minutes diverting your attention to each sound. Thoughts will come into your head and thats ok, but your priority is to listen to the sounds. Just allow the thoughts and hear the air con ect.

Practise that and you can probably use this on the plane back too.

You are spot on that time to think is causing you to be stressed.

Can you try to postpone this thinking for ten minutes in the evening?

From 9-3 do anything you like, you dont even have to stay busy. But each time a thought pops into your head tell yourself that at 7pm youll think about it then.

I hope any of these things work for you.

Im obviously not a medical professional but theyve helped me

You are going to be fine, if you wern't then you wouldnt be on here typing xxx 

13

Thank you Sarah I will try those smile

I just keep feeling so horrible surrounded by this overwhelming feeling of fear... Its horrid. When I first experienced them over 15 years ago it was awful!! Now it's almost like I'm expecting it to be as bad. So I start feeling weird and terrified but I'm kind of pushing it away not to get that bad but I feel like its supposed to be!!?! Doesn't make much sense does it?! sad I will definitely try your tips, thank you xx

14

You have one more day, and you can do this.

Someone on here gave me a great tip that i liked: Tibetan Buddhists encourage you to sit with fear, sadness, anxiety and almost lean into it.

You will realise that it is an illusion, a bark without a bite. Although you feel horrible, assess the situation. Has anything bad happened? No. Its like a faulty alarm on a house going off when there is no intruder and that's all.

Fear is a horrible feeling but who is the real winner here? You're on holiday, which to me is a massive accomplishment and you're doing really great!! You're a different person to who you were 15 years ago, so regardless of it was as bad how do you know that you wouldnt cope with it better now? Would the you 15 years ago have gone on holiday with it?

Try to think of the positives. I know you feel as though its not been the best for your partner but I couldnt think of a bigger demonstration of love for someone then to put yourself through something extremely hard for his happiness. You are very selfless and brave. Give yourself the credit you deserve xx 

 

15

Sarah I've been reading everything you have wrote to help Babette just to let you know I think your a star I've been having a bad time for a couple of months now and I've found everything you wrote so interesting and helpful x. 

16

I read your post and know how you feel. For me, the first panic attack with palpitations/fluttering came out of the blue 5 years ago and got me straight to the docs thinking I was having a heart attack.. examinations showed no imminent arrest nor heart problems, although I do have a heart murmur so that made me scared when I felt the fluttering, like a bird was flying in my chest, along with choking sensation in my throat. I know now these symptoms are classic Panic Attack. I was given various medications, such as Propanalol which calms and slows the heart rate, on a need to take basis during an attack. Then was prescribed Cipralex (Escitalapram) - a longer acting anti depressant effective for anxiety. Over a period of weeks, that did kick in and worked for me. I also underwent a 13 week course of CBT therapy. No more panic for several years. So last year I stopped taking it, thinking there was no more need for it. A month or so ago, however, after a period of stress, the palpitations started up again - as well as being short of breath, sweating and blurred vision. One panic attack after another, making me have to take sick leave from work and hardly able to go out. I cannot drive for fear of an attack, nor even go shopping or to my gym alone. I now am back on Escitalopram, waiting for it to kick back in again and get my life back as it was before I stopped taking it. Like you, my partner has a problem with this condition - it is not nice to witness nor live with, as well as me being off work and not earning to help the household expenses. My only social life is people coming to the house. I know it will get better again, but waking up each day wondering if the tightness in my chest is the start of another panic attack is part of the cycle. I can only urge you to get advice, medication and CBT therapy if this sounds like anything you are experiencing. For the immediate or short term, try and see a doctor to get a Diazepam (same in any language) tablet for the trip home. My doctor gave me a 5mg tablet when I was almost on the floor in the surgery, for an instant relaxant to get over the panic. I have 2 more in the house 'in case'. Good luck. 

17

Youre very welcome Amanda! Thank you! Most of the things I believe are from MCT (metacognitive therapy) Its a book that really spoke to me. There are lots of resources, you just have to find the right one for you! xx 

18

I don't mean to butt in on this post...but...its hard to find ppl that believe what I say is really going on.  I feel weakness on either side of my body...no drooping or anything but if I look hard enough in the mirror I can find a Lil drooping.  But I think I'm just gone crazy with this anxiety.  I panic when I'm driving...panic when alone in office an not busy...I look forward to fun events but still fear something happening to me while there in front of everyone.  Stroke, heart attack, tumors, bells palsy...all that runs through my head during these attacks.  I have bone on bone bad shoulders so have circulation problems often.  Those lead to panic...  I'm on welbutrin and propanolol...I think I'd benefit from a lorazepam or similar.  I have had issues before and loazepam worked well..helped clear my head and relax.  I need advice from someone who knows how I feel...I need encouragement of hope.  I smile and keep a straight face for my family but inside i feel tortured...would love to hear from someone.