Hi Kimberley,
When I read your very first paragraph I recognised myself! Always a worrier since later childhood when shyness hit, I have always worried about how others see me and what they think of me. Like you, I can pinpoint what triggered my first panic attack...
I was on a small school trip in the 6th form. As I was last to arrive at the bus station I ended up on a makeshift seat at the back of a small minibus. Being a travel-sickness sufferer since being 6 months old I was fearful from the start as I should have been sitting at the very front. Winding roads worsened things and I remember getting to the outskirts of a town and muttering to a friend that I felt sick. She told the teacher who asked if I could make it out the other side as we couldn't stop....I think I nodded....then violently threw up all over his newspaper!
To add insult to injury, even though I must have been 17 or so, he was the first and only teacher I had ever had a crush on and it was more mortifying than ever! I had to spend a miserable day at Manchester Uni smelling awful and feeling mentally dreadful!
After that episode my panic attacks began...I could no longer face school assemblies and I was terrified of journeys. I never told anyone - not my closest friend, not even my parents. When in the back of their car (my mum always had to sit in the front as she suffered travel sickness too) I would start to get tingling in my fingertips, then lips and toes. As minutes wore on the tingling would spread further into hands and feet, then they would start going numb. At the worst point my hands would be rigid and claw-like and my lips would be too numb and stiff to speak and I would be rocking slightly and breathing very shallowly. Eventually the numbness would start to subside and I would return to normal and relax and be ok for the rest of the journey. I used to take travel tablets as a child, but then progressed to Diocalms which settled the stomach (which would be churning horribly, making me dash to the loo many times in scary situations).
I don't think I was ever actually sick but I was so afraid of "disgracing" myself, like I did in the minibus, that the fear grew and grew. Any visit to the doctor, dentist, or boyfriend's family made me panic too. As years went by I had several other boyfriends and kept quiet about my shameful secret. One of the worst times was sitting in a small cinema and being so overwhelmed by fear and nausea that I had to dash out before the feature started, barely able to walk properly because of the numbness in my feet. My boyfriend came out when I didn't return and I just said I wasn't well and we left.
I ended up marrying someone I was at school with and I eventually confessed my secret. He was cool about it and we avoided some of the situations that would trigger an attack. I always started to get the feelings at his works' Christmas parties but I found that being in sight of the exit and knowing where toilets were would help me relax (and a little alcohol!) and I wouldn't dwell on things. I could then enjoy the whole meal and evening ahead.
I also read that, with travel sickness, if you are prepared fos sickness (had paperbags and wipes to hand, just in case) you worry less about actually being sick and then you are usually ok. I started to practice this and it seemed to work. Things didn't work out after a few years and I remarried. I told my new man my problems and he was very helpful. He had to be! His job meant more socialising and his family were used to going out for meals to celebrate birthdays etc so I had to learn to manage my feelings and get my panic attacks under control or they would ruin our lives and for what? We honeymooned in Canada - 8 hours flight and I had never been on a plane before! I sought advice and took a natural remedy from Boots the chemist. I had so much to worry about - not just the flight but a long taxi journey to the airport, a taxi in Toronto, and 10 days on a coach! I survived the lot - though I had some bad moments with the coach travel, but some could have been due to altitude sickness - and I think it made me stronger.
Last year I had to spend several hours in the back of our vehicle, over 3 hours on a ferry, and another few hours iin the back of the car on our trip to Southern Ireland, but I did not have a single panic attack. I have managed numerous visits to country houses over recent years - places where an escape route cannot be planned. At one time that would have been impossible!
I am just trying to reassure both of you that panic attacks CAN be beaten. I have never told a doctor about them but I did eventually tell my closest friends and partners. Telling your loved ones, family or friends, that you have a problem and need their help in trying to overcome it is a huge step in the right direction. I have been lucky in that the only person to ever tell me to stop being stupid and snap out of it has been...MYSELF! Coming on these forums jus shows how very common anxiety issues and panic attacks are. Anxiety causes the panic. I have learned to live with my fears and to try and reduce them by concentrating on other things. I am now 49 and the triggers are still there but I am better equipped at dealing with them. I still have to check out toilet locations at unfamiliar venues and form an exit plan. Just in case.
Maybe those three words are more important than I have realised - "just in case". In case I start feeling sick and shaky...where can I go? At what point will I get up and go out? It just takes a few minutes to reassure myself and I don't have time to get panicky. Exit strategy in place I can relax. It really works.
Last night we went out to a comedy gig to an unknown venue. When we first got the invitation I assumed it was a small pub-like club - everyone round small tables in a cosy atmosphere. Yesterday I needed to check out the venue online to see how to get there, and horror of horrors - it was a theatre! The kind of place I have not been into for several decades! All the old fears came flooding back and I had to text a friend for a little subliminal hand-holding to get me through it! We were first to get there so I had a small alcoholic drink to help calm my nerves as I located the loos. Once inside the theatre I managed to get the end seat for a quick exit - and within minutes I was relaxed and enjoying the experience. It was only a fairly small theatre and I'm not sure how I would be in a really large venue like the London Apollo - but I survived!
I am sorry if all this waffle has been boring but I just wanted to illustrate that you CAN get through these awful feelings but you can't expect to do it alone. Had these forums been around 30 years ago I think my recovery would have been a lot lot quicker!
To BOTH of you, and anyone else reading this, PLEASE don't feel worthless or stupid. This anxiety is so very common. It could be affecting your own friends or family to some degree, and they too could be too scared or ashamed to admit it! I too have terrible bouts of low self esteem and I feel stupid (at my age a lot is hormonal now) but speak to other people - people you trust - especially Startingfresh - you will find that even the support of one person can help immensley in turning things around. Diverting your mind is a powerful tool, but it's finding something that will stop you dwelling on your fears, if just for a short while, that can be difficult.
Hang in there, both of you, and you will get to a better place but there is no quick fix. I wish you both all the best x
. And yes like yourself I'm scared of going anywhere 
