Dear Daisy
You have had the guts and found the strength to write your life story and encapsulate it in a few concise, coherent, and very well-expressed paragraphs. Congratulations! That must have taken an immense effort to start when you are staring at a blank white box. But you did it. After you typed "WOW" you just kept on typing and your story flows, giving a real picture of your experience of life so far.
There are a myriad of points that one could discuss endlessly in their own right which you have raised, and of course that isn't possible here. But you conclude by saying that you seek "comfort", so perhaps it's best to focus just on that one point for now.
It's very clear to me after reading your story two or three times, that your Grandmother was a key figure in your life. I notice that your parents never got a mention! Perhaps there is some significance to that.
The loss of the person that appears to have been your source of genuine friendship and support must have been a hammer blow to you. This is something that I can definitely relate to, and it brings home painfully just how alone we can be with our problems.
Clearly, there is nothing that can fill that void, and you don't mention any other activities or areas of your life that are helping you to engage with others. When you use the term "falling apart at the seams", many people who lack understanding would say "pull yourself together". Don't be too hard on them. If something is falling apart, then naturally you want to pull it back together. The fact that they are speaking from benign ignorance and haven't got a clue how you are feeling is little recompense though.
In a way, it is a paradox to welcome someone into our 'family', because it is a family of people with misunderstood suffering. However, a family it is and you have to feel the way you do in order to become a part of it.
Daisy, this is a very large family. It is the most diverse family on the planet. Its members include all ethnicities, genders, backgrounds, orientations, financial status, educational status and so on and so on. For some reason, like me, and unknown to us both, we have been 'picked' to belong. The paradox is that the qualifications for membership are very unpleasant. But, and it is a BIG but, there is always the other side. The positive side.
You are one of hundreds of thousands of unique people who now have a bond of understanding, love, support, and friendship like no other. They are all strangers, most of them we will never meet or see their face. But, they are 'real' people, and to use that grossly overworked cliché used by almost everyone, "I am here for you", the difference is that when someone from this family says it, they actually mean it.
I've coined another phrase drawn from personal experience and having once enjoyed a large circle of friends. "They said 'I will be here for you', and then they left".
"Being there" for someone with mental illness calls for unending patience and perseverance. This is one of the places that you will find it Daisy. Take comfort from the fact that as you read this, there are a large number of people near to you and far away that not only understand perfectly how you feel, but are feeling it themselves right now.
Anybody who reads a post like yours instinctively wants to give you a literal hug. Try to imagine a collective hug simultaneously from everyone on this section of the website in particular, hugging you right now, and saying 'everything is going to be alright'.
It is going to be alright. Your experiences being hauled around the country and misunderstood by Doctors is a familiar scenario to more people than you can possibly imagine.
You may feel like you are falling apart Daisy, but one thing I can guarantee you is, that you will never be alone. I have prattled on for far too long. I will bow out gracefully and allow other kind and helpful members to continue erecting the scaffolding around you to make sure that the last thing you are going to do is "fall apart".
Sent with good wishes, and empathy. :-)
and I was eighteen when we moved again and the Doctor there told me that it was depression and anxiety.