Advice Needed - Depressed Boyfriend

Mental health
1

Hi, I'm new to this forum so bear with me. I'm looking for some advice. My boyfriend of 3 years asked for a break 3 weeks ago which then turned into a breakup this week. It's our anniversary on Monday and both our birthdays this month - we had planned to go on holiday for 2 weeks to celebrate this but have now cancelled.

I've known for a while that he suffers from depression but it never affected our relationship properly up until now - 2 years ago there was small episode where he didn't talk to me for 2 weeks but then decided he missed me and we moved on.

 Our relationship as a whole has been a very happy and close one - we've had a few holidays together, we laugh, we have things we share - movies, games, sports and whilst we have our moments, we never have blazing rows. I think we both thought we could be together for the rest of our lives.

 For a few weeks or even months leading up to the break, I guess I noticed some small changes - he seemed down, perhaps didn't ring me as often and was getting easily stressed about a few things but again this seemingly didn't affect how he was ultimately acting with me which made him asking for a break a real shock.

On the day he asked for a break, things started out ok - we were talking normally, joking around, went to the park and then watched the football in the pub. He was even playing with my hair - messing it up for a joke. Afterwards we went for a walk and he became very quiet and it was only when I said should we go home or grab dinner, he suddenly said that he was really sad at the moment and that he wanted a break. He told me he felt dead inside and had felt this way for a while but just didn't know how to tell me for ages - he said more things but its a bit of a blur as I was so upset at the time.

I managed to get through 2 weeks until I decided I needed to properly have a chat and know what was going on so I arranged for us to meet to exchange our things. We had a chat, he kept making jokes as he uses humour as a sort of barrier but whilst he mostly struggled to articulate what he was feeling, he basically told me that he felt flat, depressed and repeated dead inside. He said he was even struggling to hang out with big groups of his friends and it was only one on one's that he could handle.

With regards to us, he said he hadn't felt in the relationship for a while - he didn't feel like a boyfriend and the pressure of a relationship was stressing him out. He felt he needed time to feel like him again.

 He then said whilst he did love me and that I was his best friend, he thought it wasn't fair or me and I needed time to realise that this relationship was turning sh*t and that I deserved better - he hoped in a while we could be friends. I told him we were good together and all he could say was 'maybe at one point'

I protested a lot and told him how could have I seen this coming -  a few days before the break we had gone out one night and were all over each other, we had recently gone to the beach together, he held my hand whenever we went to sleep, he had recently told me I was the shining light in his life! To which he told me he only did or said all of those things just to make me happy but I refuse to believe it was all a lie

I told him I was more than prepared to support him through this - I would be there to talk at 4am, give him space if he needed it, spend days doing nothing with him or even just be there for a hug but he didn't want it. He could barely look me in the eye and when we hugged goodbye, it was if he couldn't bear to touch me.

He's the love of my life and whilst I wish I could hate him for dumping me but I know this isn't 'him' doing this and I hate knowing that he must be so sad and lonely- its like the depression has cast a shadow over him and now he can't see anything good - future or the past that we had together.

I've literally trawled through the internet this week and seen how many similar or almost identical cases there have been which in a weird way has been some comfort. I guess I need advice on how to act - I know people suffering from depression push those closest away thinking it will help and that it doesn't. I've also read that deep down whilst they push away - they also hope that person will protest and stay

I need advice on what to do - whether I should text him every couple of weeks to see how he is doing - to make him know that I care or hasn't lost me? I don't want to pressurise him or continue that 'burden' he feels as I think that was one of the problems in the first place! I'm also considering messaging one of his best friends to tell her that I'm worried about him - I hate the idea of him potentially going through this alone!

I don't know whether i'm grasping at straws hoping that it was the depression making him act like this and maybe we'll be ok in the future but I just don't know what to do anymore! Its so hard without him as we were so close. I feel like the holiday that I kept talking about was the final straw and I hate myself for pushing it so much

 Sorry for the long post but any advice would be much appreciated!

2

First of all don't hate yourself. Your not the one who is depressed.

I'm going through the same thing heard the same stuff that your bf said . I took mine back for 2 weeks and he was the same. I asked him to leave.

This time I'm not going to see him phone or text. We had 20 wonderful years, no arguments holiday and a beautiful daughter.

What his putting us through his is draining and exhausting. Now i'm depressed ,anxious and crying everyday. I'm now on tablets.

The thing is he has to help himself before you can as long as that's what you both want. Then try to repair the relationship .

It's not easy loving someone who doesn't return love.

I feel mine is taking the p*ss now. I've given him until the end of may then it's over , done and dusted. Give yourself a date after that try to move on before it destroy you.

Get support from others go out with friends and live..

3

Hi Natasha - you have not said whether your boyfriend is receiving any kind of help - doctor, meds, psychologist etc. If not, he needs to do that as a first step to achieving some balance in life. You cannot wish away depression, action has to be taken to arrest and treat this disease. If I were you, I would give him the space he thinks he needs. Pestering him may well drive him away. He  will contact you when he needs you. Meanwhile, forget about anniversary/birthday dates or arrangements. Don't torture yourself, it will not change the situation. that's up to him.

4

Hi Wayne

I was trying to say some off that also but mine is being moderated (first time ever lol), but I'm doing the same thing no more texting I'm avoiding his phone calls, and I won't allow him to come round. Mine said he wants untill the end of May.

This will decide our make or break now.

What do think should I avoide his phone calls.?

The thing is he made me depressed and I went to the doctors for help. He hasn't gone to the doctors.

5

Hi Wayne, thankyou for your reply! As far as I'm aware, he is not currently receiveing any form of help - he told me twice that he was going to book a doctors appointment however I don't know if this has actually happened yet or whether it will in the near future. 

The last thing I want to do is pester him as I worry that would push him awayfurther like you said but I just wanted to make sure he knew I was there for him for any support he may need (without putting any pressure on him) and leave it at that. 

6

Hi Sandy - thanks for responding and congratulations on your moderation. There's nothing like the first time.

As for whether you should respond to you bf's phone calls, I would suggest that it might be better to do so. He may seriously

need that contact with someone who knows him well. If on the other hand his calls are distressing you, boundaries may have to put in place. It's also an opportunity to suggest he seeks help, and asking that each time he calls. If the situation is untenable you will have to tell him that you are unable to take his calls for a while as it is distressing you. Your health comes first, and if he won't help himself no one can help him. It is not weak or unmanly for him to seek help - it is a mature and intelligent thing to do. And then how things will change for him.

7

Hi Natasha - I hate to be cheap, but the response I gave to Sandy is for you too. How hard it is when someone you love is ill with this insidious disease. Hang in there, look after yourself, and we are all here for you to talk to.

8

im a guy,,with depression and probably not the ideal person to answer.. Depression is a strange illness, yes ,,in bad times you push people away and yet thats not what you want,,its  what depression wants,,,.. depression seeks out negative things,, things that hurt and damage us(me). I have a very very close online friend,if i message her and she doesnt reply within 20 mins my mind starts thinking why,,, but not things like the phones broken,,shes busy,,,etc,,,no ,,,depression immediatly says its because she doesnt like you,,thats why,,,that starts the thought process of why doesnt she like me,,,what did i do,,, your mind going back over conversations .. Being with someone with depression is difficult both physically and mentally,very much so,.. but ille say this. If i was  ever lucky enough to be with my friend on line for 20 happy years (in the real world) and she got depression ,id give her every ounce of help and support i could,id not tell her to sort her self out by a given date,,, if she wanted space she would get it,,, , ,,,.I cause her untold worry and shes always there for me .Maybe im just a silly man whose in love and thats talking for me,,i dont know,,, but i know id fight for her .. .i could never give up on her ,,ever.

9

Im a guy,,,which probably doesnt help. I have read all these posts and im kinda shocked,,,i realise im different from others,,,or thats how i always feel but after reading these replies ,,wow...Im no expert on anything but depression makes you push ppl away,,,,its not what you want its what depression wants,,, people with depression attempt suicide as they think the world,,friends family loved ones will be better off without them.Depression is a lonely illnes at its worst it wants you huddled up in the corner crying, head in hands,, with no one there. I read,,,get him to go to see a dr,,,, im 3 years into it ,not seen one out of fear and having no one to go with me for fear of breaking down and there being no one there to pick up the pieces,. I read i*its your life help your self* what? since when were relationships easy,, surely when things get tough we just dont run,,,people with depression need some one ,end of.I read *give him a deadline or you should leave him* im speechless ,,truely speechless,,, P eople with depression need help,,, its  an ilness,, why  vanish in there hour of need ,,, its not easy but keep the contact,,,, remember his birthday ,,, things like that matter ,means you care. Im just old fashioned i guess,.i mean why bother being  with someone whose broken  (has depression)when you can dump them and get a new model.I give up,,, im glad im different,,,you love him very much ,,i can see that,,, .

10

David I know what your saying in my case his depression has cause my depression and my 14 year old daughter. He refuses help and keeps giving me dates that's his coming back and when that date comes . He says his not coming back now he has given me the end may. It's not fair on us neither I have to think about us now. Because hes driving me to the edge of despair and I can't mover on. He said he doesn't want me to find anyone else but he won't even text me.

If he goes to the doctors and I'm happy to go with him but he gone to far. As I said I'm depressed and I tried to get him to come home and go to the doctors.

11

i think this reply was meant for natasha ,,but ok,, i take your point but after sveral posts and reading a few ,,i now realise how different i am,,, i think differently,,im wired differently, and i would think i dont take for granted the next relation ship will trundle along soon, again,,i can only speak for me and if i loved them i couldnt give up . i see u have reasons ,,and they are all good,,, ok,,, id put it another way,,, if after x amount of time i could say well, i tried everything and failed then fair enough,, im just old fashined as reguards love n relationships i guess,,, they are few n far between for me and maybe its different for a guy in this situation,,, i dont know,,, sorry 

12

Hi David - I agree with elements of your post - that depression is alonely diesease, that depressed persons tend to push people away, that they need the support more than ever. However, where Natasha is concerned, she had been with the man for three years. He has told her he wants space, and that maybe in future they could be friends - when he is feeling himself again. When a depressed person is pushing others away and braeking relationships, they are seeking a remedy for their issue and don't feel the situation they are in is working for them. The fact is that the depression is inside, not outside. A depressed person who is deconstructing their life is at the stage when they need that professional medical help. It is the responsible and mature thing to do. The problem is with the stigma involved in mental illness and the societal attitude - particularlay with males - that seeking help is somehow weak and unmanly. It is this burden that results in the criminally high incidence of male suicide where depression is concerned - particularly male youth suicide.

Where Natasha is concerned, her boyfreind has stated he wants space, she has offered to be there for him and responds to any calls he makes to her. She has not abandoned him but is respecting his wish at this time. Ultimately, it is the decision of her boyfreind whether he will get help, whether it's of his own free will or the result of suicidal ideation that brings him to the attention of the authorities.

13

I agree with you wayne

14

Hi David your opinion is truly valued. Trust me I would have this man back in a heart beat . If that's what he wants. But he said he doesn't want to come home ? So sometimes you have to let go with what you love and set them free.

15

Hey Natasha, i'm sorry you had to go through this and I know it's hard. I'm going through it at the moment as well. My boyfriend wanted a break as he needed space and that went on for 3 weeks where he was cold and distant to me at time as suddenly fine on other days. He then broke up with me after the break saying that the relationship was putting too much pressure on what he's already going through and couldn't be the boyfriend he wants to be and that made him feel even worse so the only sensible option to him was for us to just be friends for now as he cannot handle a relationship. It's been 2 weeks now since he left me and we still message each other everyday but his replies are still to the point and no longer has the enthusiasm his messages once had and he takes hours to reply which I guess is his 'friendship treatment'. I understand what he's going through and I told him i'm there for him but i'm struggling so much myself and I feel like i'm relapsing into depression again as well... how are things going with you two now?

16

Hi Ash203. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this as well! You're story sounds pretty similar to mine as you say.

With regards to me, unfortunately not much has changed. I wish this wasn't the case and I wish I could give you solutions and hope. He wished me happy birthday at the beginning of the month but that is the last I have heard from him. Since then I have send him 2 messages saying im there for him and won't abandon him. I also wished him happy birthday which he did not reply to. 

It's definitely one of the hardest things I've ever gone through - from having someone loving to being a complete stranger so I understand the pain and confusion you are feeling right now. I think therefore its very easy for the situation to push you into depression so you've got to look out for yourself right now - out of all the advice I have received that is the most important one. 

Whilst it is positive that he is remaning in contact, I think you might have to ask yourself is keeping in contact is good for you right now? I know the idea of 'no contact' could be painful but are the cold responses helping you? Whilst remaning friends, I have unfollowed him on all social media to avoid seeing any painful posts/photos.

You need to do what is best for you at the moment as I am trying to as well. It is definitely easier said than done but I think right now we have no other choice. Its completely out of our control. I just keep telling myself its not personal and right now he's not the man I knew. I still have some hope as it has only been a month or so since our breakup but I'm (very) slowly adjusting to the fact that the only thing in our control is how we deal with it.

Who is initiating the messages each day - you or him?

x

17

I agree with you Natasha. Mine Ex is cold and like a stranger I don't phone him no more or text as he never answers me or his daughter .

His a complete Dick and a lot more 😁it's there lost not our. They're not worth our time and effort. I've learnt my lesson done enough crawling more for daughter sake than mine, but mine just ain't worth my time or effort anymore.

18

Oh i'm sorry to hear that sad

Yep it definitely is the hardest thing i've ever faced as well. And yeah i've got a lot of advice to look out for myself as well which i'm trying to do. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but i'll become better with time eventually.

He really wants me to stay in his life and said he can't lose me which is why he wants to be friends for the time being and said that IF he got better and IF he felt like he was ready for a relationship and I don't hate him then, then we could possibly get back together if it feels right. I think the fact that i'm friends with him and still talk to him is what's helping him not feel as bad about breaking up with me. But if I can't be there for him when he deals with problems, I feel like I shouldn't be with him at all of that makes sense? And I see what you mean, he's constantly hanging out with all his friends while i'm just sat waiting for him to want to see me.

And yeah I have to keep telling myself the same things. Sometimes my logic calms me down, sometimes my feelings take over and make me feel worse. Really sucks to have lost him to depression when we're actually such compatible people sad

Both of us initiate messages but it's mostly me I guess, i went the whole day today without messagin him and he's been online on facebook the whole day and hasn't bothered messaging me which kinda sucks

I hope we both get through this and get stronger!

Xx

19

Hi again, Sandy - so glad to read your post of how you are moving on. It won't be easy, but most things that are worth something usually are. He sounds like a deadbeat dad where your daughter is concerned and I hope he won't be causing trouble for you later over his "rights" to his daughter in spite of his current indifference. Good on you Sandy, he's thrown away the best things in his life. Too bad he is too selfish to realise it. But he will. He will.

20

I 100% agree with you when you say if we can't be there when they have problems, why should we be there at all. Those are the thoughts I've had. My ex wanted us to be friends too if I don't hate him but part of me thinks like you said, its just their way of alleviating guilt.

For the past 7 weeks I've felt stuck in limbo land - part of me trying to move on whilst a part of me stuck hoping and waiting for him to realise what he's lost. It hasn't helped me - for all I know he's 100% over everything, doesn't care and has moved on and I'm just waiting behind for someone who doesn't exist anymore.

I think with you, you need to make that decision - your ex can't have it both ways and you need to what's right for you. We can still be there for them but I've also got to get on with my life and I think you need to as well. I think waiting for them to message us is just setting us up for disappointment and sadness sad

Sometimes my logic calms me down too, sometimes the sadness just overwhelms everything. I have ok days and bad days. I agree, losing someone to depression is awful - it's like you've been robbed of everything including your future happiness. Me and my ex had 3 wonderful years and we were so compatible. He told me I was a keeper, that he's settled down and I was the best thing to ever happen to him. Now he's a stranger and it's like he can't remember any of this.

But I know what we had was real and you need to hold on to that too. Right now it just really really sucks but I hope we both get through it too and yes even though we can't see it right now, we will be stronger after this smile

You never know, things might suddenly turn around but for now It helps talking to people who are going through this so do keep us posted if it helps you - any updates or if you just feel the need to rant smile

 I will continue to give updates as well 

x