We've been in LDR for 2 years. For this past year he's been struggling with finding job that suits his passion (He works on 3 jobs and about to start a new one). He has this belief in his head that to truly 'make it' in this world he needs to be successful in a job, earn lots of money and then he will be a man (He went to Harvard in full scholarship, very perfectionist and ambitious kind of man).
He often says that he's depressed/anxious/cannot control bad/suicidal thoughts (he was diagnosed with depression few years ago and was under anti-depressant treatment). I always cheer him up/give positive talks/lift up his self esteem. I already told his family about his condition but they were only like "Ah that's how he is". I encourage him to seek professional help but he said he had to much on his plate right now. Sometimes I feel so exhausted,he drains all my positive energy.
Until one day, totally out of the blue, he called broke up with me with no reason at all. Maybe he has had some issues with our relationship, but he never vocalized them, in hopes I would just know and/or they'd just work themselves out.
Now he cuts me off. So I stop contacting him. I get scared that I'm violating his personal space by not respecting his decisions. I thought if I take some times I will see why it doesn't work with us. But I still don't know what happened. Is he breaking up with me because he doesn't love me anymore or perhaps the emotional demands of a relationship are just too much for him to deal with right now or the depression clouds his judgement?
I still have no idea what I did wrong.
Why does he feel it's ok to treat me as dispensable? What didi I do to deserve his hatred? The hardest part is I have to figure out how to deal with the feeling of being used. It's humiliating and really hurtful.
I might end up being depressed as well.
Hello Francis
One thing I'm learning from my own bf who is depressed as well, is that it is not your fault. EVER! He also doesn't respond to me most days. You say your guy is a perfectionist & doesn't feel like a man. He could be thinking "I can't provide & be a man for this woman like she deserves" so in order to save u & himself, he broke it off.
Don't look to see if there was a problem with your relationship cause 9 out 10 there wasn't. Depression clouds the mind. It makes people see or believe something is or isn't there.
So never think its you. He doesn't hate you. You did nothing wrong, you did everything right in try getting him help. So either conquers his demons himself like my bf is trying to do which is the hardest thing without a professional or he seeks help from them own his own.
He didn't break up cause he hates you, he broke up so you wouldn't suffer. I say that cuz my bf did try to break it off with me months back cuz he knew what his issues would do to me. I convince him otherwise & wanted to ride the insane wave that is depression cuz I cared. But even I did the same thing to my friends when I went through depression years back. I didn't want anyone in my problems. Suffering cuz of me. So basically I just really want you to understand it is never you & sometimes even I forget that with my own bf.
Sad to hear your story.u seem to truly love him.I m myself suffering from depression for a long time.I can tell u it is very easy to mess up relations in depression because it is just too much draining (both emotionally & physically) to keep relations ,expectations with others.Giving him benefit of doubt u should try to understand him.May be he don't want to drag u in his mess(i m just assuming).U should probably try to talk to him & know exact reasons.
Thank you for your response, Ravi.
I try to understand how depressed mind works. He often says things like "I'm always being negative, you will be tired someday" "how can I make you happy when I'm not happy". Do people with depression really believe that thoughts? Despite of all my efforts, why doesn't he believe that he's unconditionally loved and accepted? He is too worried about himself and how he fits in this world. I think it makes sense that he convinced himself that he is helping me by not giving me true commitment. He has no faith in his own goodness or potential. He knows he wouldn’t be able to handle the hard times that would come. His feelings were ‘everything I touch turns to s**t, so why would I waste her time?
The way he constantly puts himself down and refuses to accept positive feedback, it's so sad.
How can I talk to him? It's been 6 months and as long as I know, he's still alive, he goes to work. But he never reply my msgs or pick up my call.
Thank you for your response.
When he broke up with me, it was weird. He said things about being too caught up in work and cannot date me half-heartedly cz he will only make it worse. Or at least I think that was what he said, cz he was hysterically crying and I had to comfort him, yet I am the one who being dumped. After that he refuse to talk to me anymore.
Being in a relationship with someone who suffered from depression is really hard. I almost lost myself. The constant complaining, the self-degrading. One time he broke down in tears just because I said that I loved him, he said "how can you love me that much when I don't even love myself".
He shows himself to the world as a someone who is confident, straight A student, a hard worker, a problem solver, a good mentor, a loving and caring family man.
But I saw him as someone who is fragile, has lots of doubts about himself, full of regrets, doesn't know where he's heading to or what he wants to do with his life.
Now I begin to question my judgement, which one is his true self? Is it possible that he use depression as an excuse of his lack of commitment?
Depression is very unpredictable. He could be using it as an excuse but also the depression could be telling him he isn't worthy of you right now. You said he was a perfectionist. I think both sides is the true him in the sense that even the most confident people in the world have insecurities. Things about themselves they don't like.
They hide what they're feeling inside to the world. Everyone except people they are close too & even sometimes not even them. Look at Robin Williams, now there was a man no one would have thought had any problems. He looked like the happiest person on earth. He made people laugh, smile for a living & he killed himself. Depression brings down even the most strongest of individuals & it attacks their insecurities. My bf is a confident man but after depression all those insecurities came pouring out. I hope that makes sense.