Hi There
I am a 40 year old healthy male and i have been with my finacee for a year and a half, our 1st year was amazing and since the start of this year she started getting loads of illnesses and have supported her through these, our sex life was always problematic, i have a higher libido than her and it has always caused tension but we decided at the beginning of the year that scheduling it was the best option to relieve tension between us and it helped for a while but over the last few months she has been struggling with menopause symptoms and has been ill a lot and the times she has not been ill she is not in the mood, she has been having irregular periods and generally really distance with me, we have good communication and she has said to me that it is nothing personal and she still finds me attractive but her symptoms are making her agitated and uncomfortable and she has to put our sex life on the back burner until she gets these symptoms under control, she also suffers from depression and was on fluxetine for 15 years and this also did not help her libido but we went to the doctors together and it was decided she try coming off them which she did, she has been off them for 3 months now and has not had any depression come back apart from the odd down days, ever since she has come off them she has been different and emotionally distant, she says its not the depression but its the menopause symptoms, am trying really hard not to take it personally and she assures me its not me and she loves me very much and is still attracted to me and wants us to have a healthy sex life but she has put it on hold now indefinitely until she finds a solution, she recently has blood tests taken and they have highlighted she is in premenopause stage, she has the doctors next week to she what can be done and her symptoms can be quite bad and she is not sleeping very well. its been 2 months since we have had sex and am struggling with the lack of intimacy as its a struggle to even get a cuddle out of her or a kiss, i love her so much but am a very emotional person and am finding it very hard to deal with this, have even thought there was a deeper meaning to the lack of intimacy but she assures me there is not, am at my wits end, i have even got the point where i have contemplated leaving but that sounds selfish and unsupportive but we all have emotional needs and i have started feeling anxious all the time now and its getting worse, i bring it up all the time and she tells me she feels pressured, i know she is trying with the doctors to sort it out but am getting to the stage where i don't think things will ever be the same between us, any ideas what i should do, am i being to selfish and impatient?
1st off can i ask how told she is.
Yes you are being a little selfish and impatient, you have to work 100% with her through this, it could take years.
I know us men have needs but were not going through the all the crap our woman go through, hold on in there, support her and get through it together
Good luck
Wait to see what the doctors give her. Maybe she can go on HRT, Hormone replacement therapy which can bring a woman back to her old self again, or any number of therapies available for those going through peri-menopausal symptoms. It does take patience on your part though and a lot of understanding. Continue to be supportive and it will all work out.
She is 46, i know am being impatient and a bit selfish but its really difficult, ive supported her through loads of issue and am finding it really hard not to take it personally, i know am coming across as completely selfish but i dont want to, i want to keep supporting her but at the same time and finding myself increasly isolated and becoming more like friends, it difficult for a guy to understand what she is going through, from my point of view am still very much attracted to her and its difficult to understand why she has no interest in sex any more
Ive done a lot of research on HRT, does this usually stop all the menopause symptoms or is it trial and error finding the right solution until her hormones come back to normal?
YES ! You are being very selfish give her a break she's told you how she feels about you if men could just live in a women's shoes for a few months they would understand what a nightmare the problems we face that men have no ideas about if you love her be there for her it ei come good in time you pressure her for sex will make matters worse and another thing she's come off antidepressants that she took for a long time it going to make a difference even if she thinks she's ok be there for her be a real man
In some women it brings back their lives, but it really depends on how she reacts to it. But it is trial & error in finding the right combination.
It is good that you have come on here to ask how to help your relationship.
Try not to bring it up all the time as this may push her away. Take time to show her how much she means to you by little gestures. A cup of tea and cake when she isnt expecting it. Breakfast in bed with no ulterior motive! Offer a foot massage, agian with no ulterior motive. Little unexpected gifts, a scented candle, flowers, chocolates. Nothing expensive, it's the small thoughful gestures that count. This may then help her to relax and feel loved but without the pressure of sex. When she realise she can have a cuddle or a kiss without it leading to sex she will relax more.
It is great you are asking for help, don't give up.
I know i am being really selfish, am so used to us being really close and affectionate with each other, its a bit of a shock, my natural assumtion was to take it personally and sometimes i still do, she is the love of my life and we get on great but lately because of this issue i find myself picking on things and i know its annoying her, i just feel emotionally detached and its difficult, again i know when i think about it i feel selfish and i know am very impatient, i always think things can be fixed quickly which am beginning to realise is not the case, not meaning to come across as all about me again but what is the best way to deall with my own feelings and support her at the same time, any help would be appreciated because i want to be there for her and support her and hopefully we can get back to normal
Also if you have any joint activities try to continue with them. If not try something new, together. My husband and I enjoy short walks to country pubs. get a book and plan together. or take up badminton or similar. Decorate a room in your house. Use up some of your pent up energies!! You'll be too tired to worry about sex.
Thanks, i have always been like this with her, i help with the housework, buy her gifts, even make her gifts, i always show her love and effection even when i know sex is not on the table, she is just feeling very irritable and uncomfortable with insomnia, hot flushes and other symptoms such as stomach upsets, i spoke to her last night, had a calm conversation about how she was feeling and she was being honest that with all her symptoms she is not feeling like it, she keeps reassuring me that she still finds me attractive and its nothing to do with me, she says she has noticed a decline over the last 6 months and now with the irregular periods (1 every 3 months) and now the menopause symptoms which she is getting a large number of them they are getting her down, she said it makes her feel insecure me always going on about it as if she came down with a long term illness she thinks i would leave, leaving is the last thing i want to do, Have done a lot of research on it and i know it can be quite hard, i know i am being selfish but i have supported her through many medical issues and have always been there for her, people find it hard to understand what the impact emotionally it has to the partner as well, not just the sex but the closeness such as cuddling, kissing and general affection, its isolating, am struggling to find a way to cope with it and still support her, i go through this mental thinking every couple of weeks and realise i need to stop it and support it and stop being selfish but then it builds up and my anxiety gets really bad and i cant sleep thinking about it, am running myself down with worry, have even thought multiple times about leaving but then i dont want to lose what we have
I don't think you are being selfish, it sounds like you have been very patient. And I can fully understand your need for cuddles and affection. I hope that the doctors can help soon, it sounds like hrt is what she needs and hopefully this will make her feel like her old self and you can continue your good relationship.
Thank you, your the first person that seems to understand how difficult it is for the supporter, alot of people seem to look at it from the woman is going through and nothing about how it effects the relationship in general, i guess i do need to be at least a little more patient understanding and put my needs on the back burner just now and see what the doctor suggests as she is trying to make an effort with trying to get help, i really dont know what the future holds any more, i hope we can get through it but i cant carry on like this indefinetly, at the end of the day we all have emotional needs and if they are not being met it can build up resentment and i dont want it to get to that stage, i would rather leave than cause untold misery, am just hoping we can sort things out
David-It seems you like are trying to understand, otherwise you would not have taken the time to post!
Every woman's body is different but I will tell you 46 was the year that my symptoms really became strong. From 46-50 were very, very diffcult years. I was quite ill and had incredible demands on top of it (not one, but two elderly parents to care for and a teaching career). My work suffered horribly and many, many days I could barely stand due to the symptoms and stress. These years are often difficult for women.
Can't tell from the post whether your fiancee has had children but I did not and I do believe (there are always exceptions) that women who don't have children sometimes suffer a more difficult menopause. (While women with children have to deal with unwanted pregnancy related symptoms and some peri too-women can't win 
She may fall into the 10-15% of women who suffer with severe meno symptoms ,as my GYN informed me I was.
Has she tried any hormone therapy medication or maybe altering her diet to include more antioxidant foods, herbs and such? I could not try the hormones due to breast cancer and blood clot risk in family.
Believe it or not, the main thing that helps me is getting outside and taking a walk, doing an activity to get your mind off of those symptoms. Then she might be more in the mood for intimacy later on. It is contradictory, because you don't feel well (tired, achey) but if you push yourself it does help.
I think it is hard for men because many feel pretty good most of their life. (My Dad never had a thing wrong with him until he was in his seventies-never even had the flu in his life, really). Women tend to live longer but I think we suffer more throughout our life with hormones and such.
Wishing you the best - continue to be understanding and together you will work through this.
Hi Sharon
Can I ask did your symptoms improve post meno if you are.
I can so relate to your story. I've been in peri nine years since 40. Last few years symptoms have been severe. Suppose I would just like to know if things get better x
Hi, David,
I do believe that you are trying to understand. But I wonder how you would feel if you were the one unable to perform? Would you fear your partner's desire for a kiss and a cuddle, because it might end in something that would only frustrate you both and call attention to your inabilities?
There is an old addage, something like "men need to have sex before they can demonstrate affection, and women have sex so that they receive that affection from men." To most, having sex means that your partner finds you desirable. However, there is much contact during sex, holding, touching that may be more important than the act.
Your partner is experiencing an upheaval in both her body and her emotions. To some women it feels as if their body has literally turned on them. Things that used to work don't, sex becomes painful, tissues tear, emotions come and go, unchecked. Nothing is the same as it was. I believe that men who suffer from impotence and declining testosterone also feel horribly depressed as they watch their youth slip away.
As your partner experiences this life-changing event, you must feel completely left out. A little voice cries out, "But what about me?" Does having sex mean that much to you? Are you willing to destroy a relationship that you value because of the absence of a physical act?
I think that the bottom line is, "Do you love her?" In that context, believe me, being able to be with the one you love, can be enough.
Hope this all works out. Please accept my best wishes.
Hi david first of all I must say it sounds like you have been her rock.I myself am going through the same when I started menopause 6 month ago I lost every intrest my husband was very sportive and like yourself sometimes walked on egg shells to start with he was great but my sex drive never returned my moods got worse hubby started presure is me and I generally lost all feelings for him which I felt gulity about as I asked him to leave as I dreaded coming home cause he was there I did not want him near me the only time I felt happy was when I was at work or he was.my symptoms were and still are severe I am now on hrt and my feelings have still not returned.your wife is telling you she L9ve u and not to take it personel. If u were to leave your wife would feel worse.just be there for her. (I am crying writting this ) L9ve her.give her neck rub.foot rub.sit her down talk to her tell her ur not expecting sex from her and that u will wait as long as it takes.spoil her .if it's anything like me she will have 3 realy bad weeks and 2 or 3 good days.on them good days take her out for a picnic even if it rains fill up a flask of tea go for a drive.run her bubble baths and I bet she will start to feel better maybe it will take time and just love her like you are doing.don't make harsh choice you obv L9ve eachother so much.you both will get there xx
Hi Beverley, I am trying my hardest to be there for her, we get on great in everything else, its just this issue, there has always been tension before the menopause because my libido is a lot higher but we have worked round it (ie i have calmed down a bit), she also has a 4 year old and dont get to go out much, (btw we dont live together), and i work full time, i stay at hers about 3 or 4 days out of the week and help her out as much as i can, its so difficult because i still have a lot of passion for her and am a very affectionate person and this is killing me, sometimes when am home and start overthinking everything i get really down and start crying and get to the point where i think it would be better to leave as there is now a lot of tension in the air, i try to be happy around her but inside am sad and she can sense that, i feel so alone, we have not been intimate for about 2 months, that might not sound like a lot but my anxiety over being isolated is getting worse to the point where it is effecting my work, am not getting much sleep and cant function, its only a mater of time before my health will be impacted, it already is to some degree, i know if i leave it will destroy her but at the same time the thought of this even lasting another couple of months let alone years terrifies me, i honestly dont think i could handle it, she is my soul mate though and we connect on so many levels, it just breaks my heart to think about leaving but if it continues i have to think of myself as well if its effecting me as well even though that might be selfish, to be honest i have put all my hope on hrt being the solution, if that doesnt work i dont know what will
Yes Michelle- turned 50 last February. Symptoms can still be strong sometimes but they seem to occur less often than before-less frequency.
Right now I am still struggling with anxiety and sleepless nights but it is not so much from peri but more from worry because I still have two parents to care for and little help. It seems like it always something.
Sorry you have to struggle too. Mine became severe like I said after 45, but when I look back, all through my thirties I suffered with tough periods. I think there is a correlation with difficult periods and difficult menopause- not fair but that is life. And I think I may have had tough periods because I did not have children- not sure if this is true but could be a possibility?
It might be to early to say since I just started the fifities but I think it will get better for you soon! The only thing I noticed now is that the aging is starting to set in- more wrinkles and body changes coming in which I never had before! After 50, I have for the first time realized that I am becoming more unattractive. 
Probably because the hormones have changed but I will take it in exchange compared to how I felt before! Best wishes for you