Help with letting things go/moving on

Mental health
1

Hi everyone,

I genuinely don’t know if this will help or even be considered as anxiety/paranoia.

I have two children and a fiancee who i love more than anything but I seem to be destroying it with my picking/worrying/moaning etc.

We went out this weekend and my partner ended up texting some very flirtatious messages to another person and I found them. 

I want to be honest and I admit I worry constantly about what my partner is doing and I always bring up the past in a negative way.

Around 4 years ago we split up and my partner did end up seeing another person for about a month. To this day i still cannot let this drop even though when we got back together I said i could. I have brought it up on many occasions causing huge issues with my relationship. 

To be honest our relationship hasn’t been great for a while now and I genuinely believe a lot of this is down to me worrying about her cheating on me, causing me to be inappropriate, angry and nasty towards her. 

When we get along we get along amazing but I can then out of no where just say dig at her and the arguments start again.

It’s so clear my partner doesn’t want to argue with me but it is also very clear she doesn’t want to make much effort towards me anymore because until this weekend caused too much damage.

After finding the texts (i checked her phone) I confronted my partner and we had a huge fight nearly breaking up. After talking all day we decided we wanted to try again and try work at this for not just us but the kids. 

My partner has to speak to this person she sent messages to but has said she will never do anything like this again and has assured me she loves me and would of never done anything. 

And that’s my problem, technically she never has done anything wrong. She started seeing someone when we weren’t together and even though she flirted she admitted the reason was because we just aren’t working anymore.

I want to make this work more than anything. I love my partner with all my heart but I cannot let anything go, all i can see at the moment is the messages and the fact i feel betrayed.

I want to move on and try to forget this. I need to trust my partner or a relationship will never work.

I have huge trust issues and me bringing up past events is becoming so frequent it is going to just drive her away.

I totally understand the idea if we want to give it another go, I have to forget whats happened and try move on and I really want to but I can’t. It’s all I can think about.

I know i sound like my relationship sounds pointless but there is a lot of good init too but I cannot stop feeling the need to check up on her all the time and when i do check up, bar this one time I have found nothing.

Is there anything I can do to just learn to trust her and not accuse her of things she’s done? I feel like i’m going insane because I don’t want to be like this.

I want my family to work and for us to be happy but my actions are going to leave me lonely and I will lose the best thing that’s ever happened to me.

I really hope someone can understand where I'm coming from and not just moaning for no reason.

2

I have the exact same problem Chris - I feel your pain buddy. Two failed relationships this year both for different reasons and all I think about is was it me? Was It me constantly worrying that drove them away? I've just started on Citalopram to try and ease the anxiety and paranoia so will have to wait and see if it works or not. My belief is that it's a lot to do with confidence too. The more confident you are with yourself then the more confident you'll be in a relationship. 

3

Thank you for replying.

This is the first time I've posted on something like this so it may of sounded a bit rushed. 

It's weird though, I don't know if i'm blaming my behavour on anxeity or paranoia just to make me feel better about how I have been.

I think I have have so many more issues I want to air with my partner but I think to be honest she's just getting fed up with me going on and on with the same concerns but different situation.

I just feel like i need constant reassurance and to know what she’s doing 24/7 and I absolutely hate being like this. I know it’s probably horrible on my partner but it’s tearing me up because i just feel so insecure. I genuinely never used to be like this but was it because I had more ‘control’ on previous relationships? or any I genuinely suffering from some sort of anxiety?

 

4

I'm afraid I understand exactly what is happening here, Chris.

Your partner is seeing someone else - and texting them, too.

This is a huge betrayal of trust.

You could try marriage counselling but I get the impression she's going to do this again.....and again....and again.

You can't trust her, can you? No wonder you feel so anxious.

If the therapy doesn't help you'll end up splitting up.

People who are unfaithful deserve no respect, mate.

Sorry to be the bringer of bad news.

|Love Tess  xx

5

She IS untrustworthy. I bet she has another mobile phone hidden away somewhere.

Check her facebook. Check her emails.

Then stop putting the blame on yourself when she clearly knows you adore her and doesn't care how much she'll hurt you, because this relationship is doomed.

Well, I think it is - what do others think?

6

Chris you need to either  stop bringing this up and get over it, or move on because you can't. She will get so sick of it,and want you gone. I do believe in second chances,and if you can forgive then maybe a chance.  We woman hate a insecure man, so if you can't trust her  anymore, then say goodbye. Many fish in the sea,and you have not have found your life partner yet.

7

Hi Chris,

Your message struck a chord with me.

I am on the other side of relationship breakdown. We had been together nearly year and half.

In that time we split 3 times and all my doing due to paranoia and anger issues. 2nd time we split she met another bloke. This didn't even get off the ground cos I decided I needed her back.

So we got back and it got more serious. But I cudnt shake the thought of her with this other guy. For several weeks I would get these intrusive thoughts all during the day causing my heart to race. It was awful. But over the next few weeks this went and I felt I'd got over it.

I hadn't, cos it started to cause me to think in a certain way which wasn't allied to her. Unknown to her I was belittling myself mentally and comparing myself to her and it caused me to think unfairly of her.

In my head I was honestly thinking this was OK attitude but later on I realised I was justifying my insecurities to make me feel better. (This highlighted a key issue in me which needed addressing hence the therapy)

Anyway we ended for the final time in May and we haven't been in touch since.

I don't know what it is exactly why we feel like this when our significant other finds someone else. It's something that cannot be changed but the only thing you can do is change the way you think about that situation. I know you have tried. Has she made a significant gesture to set your mind at rest or to make you realise you are head and shoulders above any other man?

Even though we went our separate ways It still pops into my mind about what she did and believe me I have imagined in detail how it happened, what she said to him, etc and on. It's like torturing urself but you can't seem to stop it.

The fact that she has sent flirtatious msgs must have been painful to find and read. In all this even though you've fought and resolved this on some level did she explain what her motive was for the msgs? Are you satisfied with this? Do you think there's something missing in your relationship? Are you both OK with sharing basic feelings no matter how irrational or negative they might be.

In my case I have wanted so much to reunite with her but I've stopped myself mainly because I don't want to deal with the fact she found someone anymore. I honestly don't think I can do it.

For me, even though I was tempted many times to try to work things out, this issue I just thought I couldn't remedy it without more jealousy and negative actions or thoughts. The pain would be too great.

It's crazy though cos the past is the past, why should the past affect now. Yet still it niggles away.

Finally I'd like to say, I have moved on with my life. I may not have resolved the issues I had in the relationship yet but I've had to try to change as a person and the way I think.

I've now accepted that she might have met someone else and that she's moved on. The past 3 months have been hell but I'm on the other side of it now and I can honestly say I've grown as a person.

In that time I have started compassion focused therapy for 12 weeks.

8

I completely get where you are coming from as I have been in a similar situation in the past. I'm 29 and was with my ex for 12 years and we have way daughters together. Never really did find out exactly what he did when we weren't together but heard he was seeing someone and I just couldn't let it go even though I said I would. I was just like you and it began to consume me. I checked his phone, then checked the phone records to make sure he wasn't just deleting messages or calls, and would constantly nag and accuse. It was really no way to live. One day I just realized...ya know what..why am I so worried about him. Why don't I start putting that energy in to me and making me feel good about myself. I swear the day I kind of eased up on him and really started just focusing on me and living my life it was a total game changer. It's all in the psychology. He saw this new confidence in me and it really intrigued him. I swear the tables turned and he was then worried about me and consumed with me almost like I was with him. Give it a shot! Women love a confident man!

9

What about seeing a counselor. Both of you. Im not sure she deserves you to just let it go. And im not sure you have actual trust issues as she gave you a reason not to trust her.. Don't know either one of you. Its very hard once someone breaks the code of trust. Its repairable im sure but i think a third person counsellor might need to be involved. I, assuming those kids are yours as well.  So its worth trying to repair it. Checking her phone or all her stuff is useless and silly. You are in or you arent and same goes for her. I would say see a counsellor before you actually get married. The fact she excused her own behavior of being disloyal as an excuse is bad and really rude by the way. Thats not how love or families work. Id definetly say to you both need to see a counselor. I would never marry someone like that and i dont know why she would marry either with such a bad attitude. Its a committment not a convience.You dismissed it like it was ok and your being overly cautious but she didnt even take proper ownership for her behavior. She excused it. 

10

Hey everyone,

Firstly I would like to thank you all for your comments. I never have posted anything like this before and it's amazing to know people genuinely wanted to help.

Last night we had a conversation regarding all the issues and I genuinely do want to try make this work. I love my partner and if it turns out I end up being hurt in the long run then I have to take that on me.

I am 100% sure she isnt and hasnt done anything with this person she has messaged. We have two very young children and in all honesty we spend barely any time apart. (but I am not excusing her for her actions)

In one way I could easily just carry on screaming and keep bringing it up but that's not healthy in anyway. I genuinely feel she has made a mistake and at the moment i believe she really wants to get our relationship back on track.

After the conversation I don't understand why she did it but in a way can understand the reason behind it. She explained to me that our relationship hadn't been in the best of shape, explaining all i ever did was pick on her and put her down and in a way she openenly admitted she felt why bother, because whatever she did or said, still left me with the feeling she's going to cheat or hurt me.

I have real trust issues and I have no idea why. I understand some of you may disagree with my comments and that i may come across weak but i'm not. I love my family so much and I feel I need to get over this because even though she hurt me, it is clear to see we genuinely do love each other.

We have come up with different solutions to try and make this work. Councelling is something I suggested but I personally dont think couple therapy would help as like she said, she just wants me to gain some trust back and let her prove to me she will never mess up again.

I have decided to go see a doctor and ask for councelling for myself though. I woke up today feeling so positive but I totally understand later on I may have a bad patch and just bring up the past. I want to move on and i dont want to feel insecure and I am going to seriously work on making myself feel good again. Even if this relationship does break down again, I need to learn how to take on whatever i'm dealt with headfirst and stop thinking something is going to happen when it may never happen. Ultimitely my children are my life and I would do anything for them. I don't want them growing up seeing each parent 3 1/2 days a week and we really do work well as a family.

I really am grateful for all your support and it's so nice to know if i need to talk there is people who genuinely listen. 

I will keep you updated with how I get on. 

Thank you

11

Hi Chris...I have a few questions that will address a slightly different angle. What were you like in your other relationships? Did other people bring out a different side of you? Or have you always tended towards 'paranoia', need to check up on the other, distrust etc? It is my experience that different people bring out different things in us. I wouldn't be so quick to judge either you or her in this whole deal. I would rather examine how the distrust started to begin with - when did you first start to feel this way?...if it was not always there and in you. You say: "I genuinely never used to be like this but was it because I had more ‘control’ on previous relationships? " Well how did you have more control in previous relationships? What was different? And what is different about this girl? What is it that makes you want to so feverishly hang on to her? How is she the best thing that ever happenned to you? I think that your anxiety and obsessive behavior is indeed escalating but I am not so sure that you are this way because of a condition. I think something is triggering it. Have you otherwise felt low and insecure recently? Financial or work difficulties, any sexual dysfunction, major life changes etc? Just some things for you to ponder x

12

Oh and to put it all in some order: "Around 4 years ago we split up and my partner did end up seeing another person for about a month" Why? Why did you split up. Whose initiative and for what kind of reasons? Was this before you had kids with her? When did you have kids?

13

Hi,

Thank you for your message.

In previous relationships without sounding awful, I'd say I had alot more control rather than how this relationship is. Unfortunately I seem to like things done my way or I probably do not react in the best way. (maybe i can come accross spoilt)

When we first got together my partner openly admitted she has cheated in the past with ex boyfriends but never wanted to do that again becasue of how horrible she felt etc etc. To be honest that instantly got me on the defensive and I'd say i had huge trust issues from then. It completely put me on the back foot and I have always been scared of the same happening to me.

I genuinely do believe she hasn't cheated on me before and I think how she has always shown she cares proves that until recently. I think she has finally just become fed up with how i've been. However i do know this doesnt excuse her actions but I have to look at the bigger picture and realise my constant trust issues was just pushing her away.

Why do i love my partner? why is she the best thing to happen to me?

It's a good question to be honest. Sometimes i ask myself the same question but we are so different to how other couples are. She really is my best friend, I care about her so much and genuinely still feel amazing when i'm with her. She makes me laugh and we do have great fun together. I think she wants to spend more 1 on 1 time with me and when we do get baby sitters we see our friends. I suppose we both feel like we dont make enough time for each other. it become a habbit as most things in life do but I can honestly say I have never met someone who makes me feel the way she does. She picks me up, supports me with any decision but in regards to sex life and things about my appearance. For a while now it's not been great. i think our busy lifestyles make us extremely tired and we struggle to want to make time for each other. 

One thing we are going to start doing is weekly date nights where each week we take it in turns to make time for each other and try do nice things for each other.

I feel like i'm coming across quite creepy in these messages but it's hard to get my feelings across i suppose. 

But in all honesty without sounding big headed, i know i could meet someone else if we ended up splitting up and i know there is someone out there that can make me happy but I genuinely don't want to be with someone else. I'm not scared of losing the house, I'm not scared of losing all my stuff and alot of people who know me would say i'm materialistic but with my family, it's all i want. I just thing neither one of us have put enough effort in since becoming parents.