Hi, I’m struggling my entire life with my own self. I will give a summary. I was born with anxiety symptoms. Like being afraid to sleep alone etc. Afraid of ghosts. I think that’s not so weird when you’re a kid. I was a pretty slow person. I was able to laugh etc. I had a pretty normal life, like having enough friends, doing ok on school, playing soccer etc. I do had stressful moments which are based mostly on my shyness. At home things weren’t as much fun. When my parents divorced when I was 5 my mother met another man and since the beginning things weren’t going to well. Basically I’ve seen things I shouldn’t. Domestic violence on daily base. When I was 13 we finally moved away and I went to another city. Life wasn’t easy. My natural shyness was increased due of the shit I went through when I was a little kid. The first year starting my ‘new’ life I went through a period of being a dumb hard to control kid. That was quickly over when I started to get bullied in school by my own ‘friends’. I went through enough punching already and I wasn’t feel ok with it. I had some another friends where I did had some fun time with. When I was 16 I started to smoke a lot of weed with those friends. It wasn’t something that fitted me. I had a few weird anxiety attacks while I was being alone. Like the feeling I was getting chased and it was very anxious feeling that way. Although it gave me a lot of negative things, I also had some good moments with it. And.. I didn’t want to lose my friends by being a boring guy who was afraid to do the things they did. Pretty dumb, but well, I can understand myself why I did. On personal base things didn’t went well. I felt like my anxiety was holding me back on a lot of things. Like, the only people I felt good with where my 3 friends and with the rest I was not. I was going to a lot of parties. It was fun, but also not. I wasn’t feeling like my friends did. What also was painful is that I had a lot of opportunities with girls, but I wasn’t feeling ok. I did want to, but my anxiety was holding me back. Again. It felt like my outer appearance attracted them, but my inner self.. Well, that was/is a mess. I went to Spain with my friends and I just was walking against the same problems, but I was having fun nonetheless. At home things where kinda ok. I was living in a safe place. I forgot to point out that the other side of my family was difficult. My dad always called me quieted etc. and it made even more quieted. I didn’t/don’t feel accepted. It’s not that they don’t want contact with me, but there isn’t a proper connection. For me that mostly had to due with the things that where said in the past. Anyway, when I was 17 I was studying and I fainted in class one day. A pretty traumatic experience for someone who has social anxiety. A few months later I decided to take magic mushrooms with my friends. That didn’t went well either. I felt high restlessness and anxiety, but after a hour or so I kinda let it go. I still didn’t felt ok though. I was in the forrest and well, there where passing some strangers and it gave me pretty intense panic. I didn’t had intense hallucinations, but I did feel like I was in a different dimension which was pretty wicked. I saw the threes breathing as well. Pretty weird. I was very anxious for drugs, but again, I didn’t want to be different like them, so I decided to try it. A couple months later I experienced a panic attack in my classroom. Right before class started I smoked weed with a classmate and I felt the same symptoms like I had when I fainted, only I didn’t fainted. I walked back to home like 4 hours because I was too afraid to take the bus. Basically, I has social anxiety, but drugs made it like 10x worse. After that experience everything went down hill. (Like it wasn’t going already). I started to feel experience anxiety on daily base in high forms. I became anxious to take the bus, going to school, going to a hairdresser etc. The anxiety went so high that I wasn’t able to actually do these anymore. I was trying my best to get back to school, but it didn’t worked out. I started to take therapy (if only I searched sooner for help) and unfortunately that didn’t worked out. I wasted 2 years of my life because of that and it didn’t make any difference. It only went worse. After that I kinda became stuck in a black hole. I was waiting for therapy. Had no help. And anxiety was literally destroying my life. I was still seeing my friends, but like feeling 2 years or so this way, I lost contact with them as well due of my symptoms. I started to develop different kind of anxiety triggers. Also harmful ocd intrusive thoughts (without compulsions). A big fear of mine is the fear of being a bad, crazy person. It’s like I drag a constant feeling of uncomfortable, restlessness, unsettle, anxious feelings. It’s hard to explain, but it with me 24/7. Anyway, till like 4 months ago I received therapy. I didn’t felt like, oh things are totally gonna change. It was like the hardest task ever to go to the therapy. It was group therapy 5x a week only focussed on exposure to get your life back on track. 3 weeks I was going through the worst anxiety ever. I couldn’t imagine feeling that way before. After 3 weeks I couldn’t handle it anymore. I felt like my energy was gone. I wasn’t feeling clear in my mind (I never do, but then it was like 1000%). I couldn’t relax in the slightest, so I decided to go home and due of corona I could follow the therapy at home. Oh, before I forgot to mention, my social anxiety. It has changed quite a bit but not in a positive way. Right before therapy I was stuck at home for 4 months without getting any air due of it. Just walking pass a stranger gives me a panic attack. I have this derealization feeling with me constantly as well which makes it very hard. Ok, well, back to where I was, last week we decided to quit therapy, because I didn’t make enough results. To make things a bit clearer. I have this constant sensation right now that I can’t handle anything. It’s hard to explain, but I’ll try. It feels like I have no connection with the world. I have this like horrifying feeling with a lot of things although there is no reason. I can’t listen to music, watch movies, have normal conversations.. Well basically nothing. All I can do is read. I’m reading about what I can do all day long. I can’t take anything that can influence my way of thinking. I am afraid I will lose contact with reality entirely. Due of intrusive thoughts I feel like I can’t trust myself. Well, and these constant sensation I drag with me is intense. I am very scared for any dark stuff (like my childhood fear) afraid that negative things can influence me and that I can’t handle it. So well, avoid it then you would say, well, I can’t. I’m basically constantly checking and analyzing anything. Pff. Ok, perhaps this all don’t make sense for someone who is reading this, but I hope there is. Feeling this way is very hopeless. Lately, I started to question if I still want to live which is what I think a normal thought in this situation. I don’t have any plans, because I know it’s wrong, but I still feel well, defeated and hopeless. I am 21. Why does someone has to go through things like this? Ok, so I’m planning to take medication (something I fear a lot) and it feels like my only option left. It’s all or nothing. Pff guys, i don’t know. You know, I don’t feel a connection with myself anymore or the world. Btw, this gives me high anxiety as well, but it’s also depressing. My psychologist thinks I have autism. But the test I did didn’t had results. They don’t want to give me a diagnose. I’m fucking struggling with this for how long and I still don’t have a diagnose. He talked with a professor about me and he said some people can hide these autistic symptoms due of their intelligents and the ability to adapt because of that. Well, ok, I still don’t feel like I had these symptoms when I was younger. And I don’t think I’m very intelligent. I can’t learn very well for example. I do feel like I have (or actually had) high strength to adapt. I just don’t know who I am anymore which is a big problem. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I have to avoid everything. I’m not sure even how much words I used, but it sure is a lot. Perhaps I only wrote this for my own self. If anyone wants to talk to me. I would be glad.
stick with your therapy and you can always switch therapists if you’re not happy there. But for now, try the medication. Sounds like you are very frustrated so you have to try something at this point. You are 21 which is very young and you have a lot of time to get this situation manageable. Don’t ever blame yourself for any of what you were going through. It’s not your fault. But you can feel a lot better with support. take One day at a time and with your therapist you could possibly set some short term goals and move on from there. But don’t stop therapy whether it’s with this person or somebody else. nothing Else matters right now. The only thing that matters is that you start to feel a little bit better. And yes it can take a little time but it’ll be worth it. Don’t worry about autism or anything else. Even if that were true and I’m not saying that it is, but even if it was there’s nothing we can do about certain things in life. What we can do is improve on what situation we are placed in. Everybody has gifts of one kind or another. You were made special and have a lot to offer. So don’t focus on everything that is negative. You may not even notice the special gifts that you do have. That’s where a good counselor comes in. and yes, medication may be necessary but that’s fine. Millions of people take medication to help what they are going through. i I would rather take a chance on medication that could help me then to continue living miserably. And don’t ever ever give up! Some days may be better than others but like I said one day at a time. I do hope you start to feel better soon . do something for yourself each day that you enjoy. Even if it’s just taking a walk in nature. We all need something to feel good about. ❤
Thanks for your reply Jan.
I'm sorry, it's just.. I'm feeling pretty depressed right now. I've been in pretty intense therapy. 5x a week. I could do it the clinic, but I couldn't handle it so I did it digitally at home with every week a psychologists who went practising exposure. I was in the clinic for 3 weeks, but it was just too much and I had like a constant 8 of anxiety and I couldn't sleep and eat well because of this either. It didn't had enough effect, so here I am. I'm feeling even worse then before. They still kinda support me, but yeah.. I even feel like s**t around my own family. But like, my therapy group there was no one like me constantly suffering. I can't really explain it that well, but for me it's really constantly feeling this way. At first sleeping was giving me some rest, but now I even dream weird and wake up multiple times a night. That's why exposures don't really work either. My therapy was cbt but like 100% focussed on exposures only. I'm not sure about anything right now. I gave it all I had, but I lost. I can't do anything at all while feeling relaxed. Like just sitting in my room makes me feel uncomfortable. Why? I don't know. But I just don't know what's going on with me, because it seems I am like the only one feeling this way. I did a lot research online. My psychiatrist don't even know it. I am thinking out of the box and even taking brain cancer in mind. I don't have health anxiety (well not really true, but only focussed on mental diseases), but well, I just want to know what I suffer from. Like that has to be the smallest thing I should be able to know.
Oh and yeah, I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like I can feel it physically as well. At least I think I am. Like I started to lose grip on reality. That's very scary alone, but even more so if you have intrusive thoughts etc.
Hi Contakt
I can relate to everything you have said, I am 21 and currently in the same position. Severe anxiety all day, and this flare up has been 3 weeks now. I was doing "alright" after I had my worst breakdown in 2017 but this one is just as bad.
I am learning not to give in to it though as the urge to just lie in bed and waste away does nothing for us. I was bedbound when I was 17 for 3 month, lost so much weight rapidly from not eating and I just came out of that period wishing I did something. However, I do not beat myself up over it as I also did need rest and time.
I had many of the same childhood fears. I was exposed to really scary horror films as a child and some nights I would literally cry and scream when I had to go to bed and I would not be able to sleep due to the intense panic that zombies were going to kill me or if there was a ghost behind my bedroom door waiting to kill me.
I also had a normal childhood, I was quite unruly in school due to anger management issues but I was able to get good grades (nothing amazing but I was happy about my A in English Language) and I did alright in college. I had to drop out of University in 2017 which was when I had my breakdown.
I never had a father figure in my life until I was 13 and my Mom met someone, he is alright but there was one time he came in drunk and was threatening me with violence; he has stopped now though, and has been sober for years.
I was also bullied by people who I called my friends when I was around 15. I was pressured into trying drugs. I smoked weed when I was 17 a lot and at the time I enjoyed it, the 'high' feeling was fun and at the time I was comfortable with these friends. Eventually they peer pressured me into harder drugs, namely: 2C-B, MDMA, and Ketamine. I did not enjoy any of these (especially 2C-B that drug is awful) and they always rebounded my anxiety for weeks and weeks (I did 2cb a month ago and convinced myself I was dead for an hour)
I cannot speak to people, I just do not know how to make a conversation and I physically can't open my mouth most of the time to say hi. I used to go to the hairdressers but can't anymore. I have not been for 3 years but I have a family member that can cut my hair so it doesn't get long. I just cant relax no matter what activity it is, I used to play video games on my PC but my mind is always racing and I can't seem to detach from them and get into any game.
It is the anxiety that makes you feel like you are slipping out of reality because it tries its best to cover your life with anxious thoughts. It is very overwhelming and you are not going crazy, anxiety can not hurt you. It will NEVER hurt you, it is a paper dragon. I also constantly analyse all my thoughts, I overthink them and end it getting brain fog which makes me panic and then it is just a viscious cycle.
I have often found myself thinking "whats the point if this is never going to end" and again, that is anxiety trying to pull you down. It is hard to learn what is an anxious thought and a rational thought. This is anxiety that tells you all these negative things about you, they just bring all your negative thoughts to the front and any positive thoughts are just pushed back.
Remember, only do things you are comfortable with. I sympathise with wanting to fit in because I did the exact same thing with my "friends" and they eventually stole from me, over £300... you should only do what you are comfortable with. Tell your friends that you have mental health problems and these drugs just make you worse. If they are really friends they will understand, and if not - they are not friends. Friends have your best interests at heart.
Always here if you need me, take care.
Kyle
Hey Kyle, I see you're went through similar stuff as I've gone through. I'm sorry for that.
I do question if we are dealing with the same problems. For me it has been 4 years since I had a single good day. Mental breakdowns are things I haven't really gone through except one time. It's really something that is constantly dragging me down. Life feels spacey. If I look around me etc. I can see in every single thing a fear. Besides that I don't feel attached in literal form. But I think that mainly comes from the fact I don't feel in touch with myself either. I can't really explain it better then that. Anyway, I do feel like I'm losing my mind. Just because 99,9% of my time for the last 4 years have been spent in my own bedroom. I feel like being able to see things clearly is slowly getting worse. I do live with my mom still, I know otherwise I wouldn't be able to survive. I haven't seen my friends for over 2 years due of my symptoms. I can still call them friends since I am sure if I would like contact I could text them anytime. Life for me just feels like I'm in very intense movie or something. I do wish I could socialize again, but I even got trouble being in contact with my own family. I often experience strange and uncomfortable feelings which I don't even know why I feel. There aren't specific thoughts bound to it. Perhaps they just come from everything together as a whole.
Hope you're having a good day today.
Hey, I accidently hit the back button on my phone so I have to retype this out at my computer.
I do believe we are going through something very similar and it is uncanny that is both affecting us at the same age and around the same time too. I doubt everything about myself, sometimes even doubting if I am going through mental breakdowns and if it's all something medically wrong with my like IBD, I have a family history of IBD and I hear it can mimic mental health conditions. It drags me down too, I completely sympathise with you there - I am only 21 and it feels like I am the passenger to my own life, like I am just watching everything go by like it is on a TV set, which my friend said is disassociation as he suffered with it for a while too.
You're also the same as me when you say every little thing is life just sets off the panic, fear and dread. I can look at something outside and I just get panic, or I will think of what I want to do later and just panic. Everything around me sets off the panic, even if it is just a regular thing I am looking at, or a non-intrusive thought. I can say though, you are not losing your mind - anxiety can never take the wheels in your life. It may seem like it has 100% and trust me, I have had days where I have just cried and cried. However, I am still sane and months after it in 2018, I was somewhat in control of myself, although I did default to unhealthy habits out of.. well.. habit.
I was 13 when I experienced my first truly anxious symptom: Brain Fog. I convinced myself I had some super early-onset dementia and I was crying myself to sleep because I was forgetting peoples names, the names of furniture and my schoolwork started to suffer as I would always lose my train of thought. I also live at home and the thought of moving out overwhelms me to the point I am literally paralysed with fear over the thought. I do know it doesn't all have to be immediate, but it is just keeping on top of things that worry me - they should really teach this in education!
I lost touch with a lot of my friends over this too, I can't even put anything in the messenger chat we have on Facebook because of the overwhelming fear of them just rejecting me or saying they aren't my friends anymore. It is also annoying that they talk with someone who I hate, because he took money from me and said nasty things behind my back. I also have trouble talking with my family, I just don't know what to say in any social situation. Other than saying "Hi" to people I just blank out and feel like everything I say is just generic and tired. I can't even put interest behind what I say because I am too preoccupied with the anxious thoughts to take anything in.
I hate the uncomfortable feelings, they are the worst and it is always on my stomach, I get really bad gastrointestinal issues because of it too. There is strong family history of these conditions, but my brother and sister are seemingly fine. I feel like I am trailing behind, and I feel like I am the let-down of my family because of it. I also do not have any specific thought or trigger and it always shifts onto something else. The dread just hits me in the morning and comes and goes in waves every 5 minutes throughout the day. When I have a period of not getting the dread feeling it is honestly really hard to tell people what it is like, because I just don't want to think about it in case it comes back.
I also spent years in my bedroom. I would wake up at 3pm (or later) and the first thing I would do is turn my computer on and sit at it. I wouldn't shower, I wouldn't brush my teeth and I wouldn't even get something to eat or drink. I would just sit at my computer in the dark until 5 or 6am. I did this for years and I do believe it creeps up on you. I would say try and get out for a walk if you can, even by yourself and even if it's just to go and sit in the garden or be around your street it does the world of good. Getting dressed and ready is also a good distraction, and if you do feel the anxiety come on - take a deep breath, and just resume what you are doing. Ignore it, if you can't ignore it.. ignore the fact you can't ignore it. I was doing this when I was in the car today, and instead of getting hung up on a thought, terrified I would forget it, I just ignored it - and it did help, but I do slip up now and again with it.
To wrap it up, you are not going crazy or insane. Trust me I genuinely thought last year I was going to have to be carted off to a mental hospital as I was having intrusive thoughts about murdering my family, but intrusive thoughts are so scary because it is something that is so alien to us and the weirdness of it can scare you. Take solace that you are not alone in your feelings, and that there are people your age who suffer with very similar conditions. I can completely relate to everything you say, it is like someone is picking my mind reading what you type!
Take care of yourself, always here if you need me.
Kyle
Oh yeah you do sound a lot like me.
If I'm correct you do still have a lot of things going on besides your anxiety? Like meeting up with your friends etc.
Idk man, I do feel like I can't sink any further than this. I've already said that a lot times before, but I do think I reached rock bottom pretty closely by now. What frustrates and depresses me is the fact that I have tried a lot lately for quite some time, but I'm back where I was or actually.. It feels even worse.
And yeah everyone around me tells me I'm not crazy or will not become crazy, but I still can't really believe them. The way I feel with things seems abnormal. It's not only just anxiety, but a lot of unknown feelings as well. I can just feel very unsettled or something. Yes and that I'm afraid of dark things is something I can't put my mind around. I come across it everyday. I can also feel this about something not particular dark at all. It's like I'm alienated or something. Any emotion besides anxiety doesn't feel well either and very intense. I am very inhibited.
When I do try to do something I feel very restless, agitated etc. Like a hour ago I was talking with a family member and I just felt like I had to run away, like something bad would happen. Very hard to explain.
Idk, I've tried a lot. I didn't make progress. What can I do about it then? I feel stuck, alone and kinda defeated. I was watching a video about the med I might wanted to try out, but I'm not sure anymore, because it seemed very creepy and all comments below where negative as well.
A lot of the negative comments are there for a good and logical reason. People who find success on the medication will not likely be researching the medication. I over research and end up finding something scary about a medication.
I do think it is my social anxiety and stomach issues that stopped me from meeting friends. I only like hanging out with my best friend lately as he understands my mental health, and me his. I understand that when you try really hard and see no results, I was making good progress and preparing myself for getting back to Uni to be a teacher and then I am hit with this anxiety and it just ruined it all.
It is hard to understand that when people say you are not going crazy that it is true. It is really hard when your thoughts just tell you that you are broken and are 'wrong'. I feel different and that I have done things in my past that make me incompatible with society.
Also what do you mean by other uncomfortable feelings? Are they physical or mental? The unsettled feeling is very common as your fight or flight response will be very active during anxious times. I can also relate to emotions that arent anxiety being strange, the second I notice I am not anxious triggers my anxiety 😪 it is so tiring and I am always so tired.
I was talking to my Mom earlier at 5pm today and I just kept getting so anxious and I would have to stop talking and my mind would go completely blank. What medication did you wish to try? I may have tried it myself in the past. I have been on a lot and I can say none of them have made me go insane or worse, citalopram was the most harsh one for me but it didnt make me worse or go insane.
Hope you are feeling better, always here if you need someone to message.
Kyle
That's true and I'm sure there are also positive ones, but quatiapine or seroquel is pretty rare to use for anxiety.
My anxiety isn't really focused on physical sensations. Yes, I do have them, but I'm not anxious for the anxious physical feelings if you know what I mean. If I feel stressed have headaches, high heart rate and stomach pains and they are very annoying, but it's mainly the mental part. I don't have fears for physical diseases like many do, but I do have for mental ones like schizophrenia, psychosis etc. or just fearing for being crazy or a bad person.
It's hard to explain these uncomfortable feelings. It's like I pick up certain atmospheres which feels strange. The derealization part is a big thing for me. I do have anxious physical feeling from them, but they are mainly that the reality feels unreal or distorted. Because I'm so inhibited in everything I don't feel good with any emotions. When I feel sadness it can feel so super overwhelming and intense. If I experience anger I can't let it out because I'm afraid of losing control. If I can be happy I can't because it don't feel right. The best way to describe my feelings I think is like if you just have watched a super creepy horror movie, but then it drags with you all the time fcking time.
I'm prefer a anti depressant myself like citalopram or estrilopram. I have been on fluoxetine, but it didn't do any good, but that's a while ago and my symptoms where a lot different.
I just can't put my mind on anything at all because I've been busy with this for so long and I feel like I'm in a war.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time as well Kyle.
Mental health is very tough. It is a hidden illness which makes it that much more difficult to explain and for others to understand. I wake up every single morning with the worst pit in my stomach and that is enough to just set off my mental anxiety for the whole day. I ask why I still feel that way, even though I was feeling a bit better the night before. The fact I was feeling a little alright is just more fuel for me feeling anxious.
I have not had any experience with Quatiapine, the closest drug I think I tried to that was Mirtazapine but thats only just me looking at the chemical composition of each drug.. they could have completely different mechanisms.
I hope it works for you, I really do pray you find something that gives you the ability to beat this. I know too well that feeling of waking up every single day feeling so different and detached. I always have my head in the clouds and I cant even talk sometimes it is that bad. I know the mental feeling of feeling like you are going insane. I was on this forum last year after I went to York and I was convinced I was insane and needed to go to a mental institute. It is still on the forum somewhere I think if you wish to read it, it could be helpful.
For me personally, the physical feelings set off my mental issues. I hate the physical feeling. My stomach is bloated, it never ever stops croaking and rumbling, my arms and legs spasm to the point I have to hold them down, I get a weird weird weird sensation on my palms, my heart races and beats irregularly and I get hot flashes. There are some more but I am honestly so exhausted mentally with thinking about them my mind just switches off. These then trigger my racing thoughts and I get compulsions to remember every single thought I have in case I forget something that is helpful. I think I am unable to do any work because of this, I cannot speak and object to anything, and that is the start of my mental issues.
With the emotions, I do believe it could be a subconscious reinforcement that your positive emotions are wrong and alien. I certainly do this to myself, when I feel happy I instantly remember my anxiety and the inner voice in my head tells me that I cannot be happy because I suffer with anxiety, if that makes sense.
I am considering trying an antidepressant alongside Propranolol because the Propranolol does help with my physical anxiety a lot but only for half the day. I rang my doctors surgery up today and they said I was not due a refill as it was on the 25th of June I got my first prescription.. this is even after I got by my doctor I can increase the dose to 3 times a day, bit they wrote only one a day on my script...
I tried Fluoxetine too and it did not help me either, positively or negatively. Also, this is a little off topic but I just sneezed due to Hay fever and the thought and idea that sneezing is blowing out my positive energy gave me a wave of anxiety, it is just stupid things like that which set me off.
I hope you are doing well, if you have something like Discord or similar I could contact you there, I have really bad lag when I post here and it sometimes takes me out and I lose my posts😪
Take care, here if you need me!
Kyle