new here. had another one of those OMG days after a night of half i dont even remember. i am a black out drinker. i can go months without a drink, but all it takes is that one time, that one day, and self awareness and self control are not present. it almost always ends in something horrific, embarrassing and shameful. i spend the entire day after in bed, with my face in the pillow as bits and pieces of the night before begin coming to the surface and sheer panic and anxiety sets in. the " omg, i did it again, have i not learned from last time" .. and then i go into a deeper, darker place of self hatred and deep shame and guilt. this is ususally where i say" ok, that is the LAST time!". AND .. it is again, a lie. there is no end to the things i can do while drunk. i can kiss a married man in front of his wife, i can get into the bed of a stranger, i can run in traffic, i can get physical. i am scared and i need help. im shocked of who i am, what i am. i dont want to be a bad person anymore. 100 % of bad, is when i drink. i am so disgusted with me. today is day 2 of being sober. the next drink i have will kill me. please help point me in the direction i need to go in because im really scared. my children have seen and heard enough, my marriage is over. i cant live this 1 step forward when that drink throws me 2 steps back. thank you.
'i can get into the bed of a stranger'
Starting to like you already.
Well, you are definitely not alcohol dependent then. You are an occasional binge drinker. I don't think medication would be suitable for you, I think counselling is probably the best course of action.
Can you tell us how much you tend to drink on a black out binge. I am wondering if you are chemically intolerant to alcohol.
I am a daily drinker and havnt gone a day without drinking in I don't know how long so all I can say is if you are not alcohol dependant just don't pick up that first drink,you can do without it for weeks and it just causes you immense pain.
If you do feel you still want to drink check out the Sinclair method
Hello Michelle
Firstly , well done for doing this today 
You are in the best place here
I myself can identify with everything you say and feel and I'm sure most of us here will agree.
You have made a stand and a clear statement to yourself today and thats very brave. Be proud of yourself and use this strength that you have found to do this to make things better from this day on. You can do it .
I went to AA a couple of weeks ago . After drinking every day for many years I managed to stay sober for 9 days. I must say it was difficult as my life is stressful but I did it and was so proud of myself . I felt amazing in the day and found a new lease of life . I felt excited, happy, I laughed alot more etc .This weekend I ruined it all by thinking I could go out and have a drink with friends. I did have a couple and it was fine . The next day I thought, well its the weekend , just the one ! Of course it wasnt the one . Yesterday two bottles !! and now having a glass to make me better ......
The point Im trying to make is ....I've learnt too many times and enough is enough . Tomorrow is the day I pick myself up , brush myself off and start my life again
Michelle, we all have bad moments , but please dont be hard on yourself . You say you can go months without a drink but obviously when you do drink you react badly (like me !!) Blackouts are the worst . Nightmares, are terrible too .
I really hope this site will help you turn a corner , the right happy one .
Stay strong and let us know how you are doing xx
No you are not a daily drinker, therefore not dependant on alcohol. But what is clear is when you do drink, it has harrowing consequences, ones which even you cannot determine. Therefore, alcohol is a problem for you, regardless of how much you drink and when you drink it. I wonder if there are any triggers that make you drink when you do? Can you identify any? Possibly this could be identified and controlled through some counselling. You have done what many of us here have done on numerous occasions, I know that won't make you feel better but maybe knowing others are like you when they drink won't make you feel any worse.
Really concentrate on your thoughts and feelings during the times you do drink. You can go long periods without drinking so perhaps alcohol just doesn't really suit you? If you are getting into these type of situations every time you drink I would be suggesting complete abstience for the sake of both you and your children.
Hi Michelle,
my drinking pattern has been just like yours - can go for weeks and months without, and then a few drinks, and I cant stop, dont want to stop, - all sorts of bizzare or just downright awful behaviour, sometimes with awful consequences. Whatever you have done, I probably have done as well.
I am managing without now, and for a few months, and havent got any desire to drink.
If I get stressed out to an extent that I really cant handle - and I would have had a drink before, I will usually take a valium - although its complicated by the fact that I am trying to stop taking these as well. They do work pretty well at calming me down, although I know there are much healthier ways to do this.
I also go and lie on my bed with the door shut and lights dimmed and a table fan going - for a bit of soothing steady background noise. Has the advantage that it blocks out any distracting noises from the rest of the household/outside, and the rythum of it is somewhat hypnotic and helps me to sleep.
I know there are plenty of other techniques which can be used, like going out for a brisk walk - although there is the danger of walking to the shop and buying some drink - which of course I've done many a time - so taking away all possible temptation and isolating myself in a calm environment seems to currently work for me. You can do it.
Lots of Luck!
Michelle -
I think you've come to the right place. I've been a daily drinker for 30+ years. I started using a medication that is taken a certain way and have cut my drinking back quite a bit, but it's not the only one out there, safe to say there's something for everybody that wants to get alch under control.
Are you in the UK or the US?
I Dont recall having more than 7 beers.
"just dont pick up that first drink".. is like saying " just dont eat any more junk food, or just dont buy a pack of cigarettes.
my drinking, while not daily, is still an addiction, a very serious one. i could have killed myself or someone else. i dont remember anything past 10. i thought i left at 10. i didnt leave until 1 am.
thank you for putting your hand out. im totally grabbing it and holding on. i have done soo many good things after nights like this. i try to show myself that im better than that. im better than the person i become when i drink. i went back to school and stopped drinking. life was uneventful and normal during that time. then i go and 1 night.. ruin friendships, have people think im the town slut. i hate myself for acting in a way that sober me finds disgusting. i have no idea why drunk me is such a whore. 
i need to find the root of this chaos. i will come here daily to make the commitment of " no drinking today" . i have to treat alcohol like i do with poison or seafood.. stay away.
as far as you go.. your doing great. put the glass down and say " pfft, dont need you " and go do some sit ups or take a walk. you got this!
triggers; my marriage. i live with my platonic spouse, legally separated for 3 yrs now because of his narcissism. he calls me a whore and a slut everytime i try to rekindle our marriage. he reminds me of the time 18 yrs ago that i was flirting with a guy in a bar. now i seem to be stuck. i repeat that over and over and over and over. im validating that i am the whore he tells me i am .. every damn day of my life.
Michelle, especially if you've tried to stop before and just end up drinking harder for your efforts, have a look here:
https://patient.info/health/sinclair-method-for-alcohol-use-disorder
This is the method that I use and I've cut out 75% of my drinking at just shy of 4 months in. I'm a daily drinker, not a binger, but I'm a member of a couple of online forums that focus on this method. One of the first benefit that bingers report is that the blackouts stop in pretty short order. Keep in mind that it's not a magic pill, you do have to put some effort into it, but it amplifies your efforts considerably.
thank you. i also do good self care things like table fan going, meditate type stuff. i also see a massage therapist twice a month and i take xanax. i am beginning to see myself as 2 people. the good person your talking to right now, and the bad person that i have to help. i dont know myself or my actions so i spend days loathing and panicking about " what the hell did SHE do this time". i cant drink today. that is all i have to keep saying, everyday. thank you again for helping me see i am not alone.
US. good job on the cutting back. i think that is fantastic. im scared because cutting back isnt an option for me. if i begin drinking without self awareness.. i have no self control and its like time stops. zero responsilbity and zero care.
is it available in the US?
Are you sticking with this guy because of the children? I'll confess to being presumptuous as hell about this, but I'd suggest moving on to another relationship that's going to be healthier for you and leave this guy in the dust.
It depends on whether or not you are going to be drinking anyway.
If you'd like to quit entirely and simply can't manage it on your own, there are meds to help you stay sober. How long do you go inbetween binges?
have you tried AA.
rich
Yes. There's a "Find a Physician" list at CThreeFoundation (dot) org. The "Verified" listings are docs that know how to prescribe per TSM protocol. I have a couple other names in NC and CA that aren't on the list yet, PM me if you're interested.
Are you talking pints or 12 oz bottles? Do you know what the % alcohol is?